chemically inclined.

2009-06-28T14:08:00.003+08:00

HI, PLEASE DO THIS IMPORTANT THING.
1. put your cursor at that address bar, and press once.
2. type projectneonlights.blogspot.com there.
3. press the button ENTER.

tah.

resolutions forgotten.

2009-04-15T20:54:00.004+08:00

259 I got the hang of it.
the sunflower life see;

I dont' want to say anything again.

You were the strength of my tears everyday, since god knows how long ago. I realized that, finally.

Today I thought, was the day of change. And I was full of hope, hoping something miraculous would happen, something out of the ordinary would happen. that’s why in the van I was so called bubbly lah. I bleh out everything about yesterday to Priyanka.

but then, just as I entered, silence.

nothing happened. well except for azwyn saying hello and jiaxuan asking for permanent marker. wrong person, wrong item. forget about talking to squid, we’re drifting apart. so I decided to do English summary with riffana. I took out the letter, read it through to make sure I used the correct words in the proper place, then I put on the table. then I started doing the summary.

tick tock goes the clock, 24 hours was the deadline.

but 5 times of crying silently was not enough I supposed. ask riffana and tp.

even after that, nothing happened. oh as-usual-tp-was-ignoring-me-again-so-forget-about-it the scenario happened again. and when the announcement for morning assembly blasted, I just went out with squadmates and lalalala... sarang was cute as usual and I pinched her cheeks again (: okay to tell you the truth it was more pinker compared to now. and when I came back, I cried again, being reminded of you. but you can't see the tears, apparently I think they were like invisible things in front of you.

are you trying to tell me that you make broken promises? By the looks of it it seems like you did. I have enough experience of broken promises, don’t make the bruise in my heart again. and are you also trying to show me that you don’t mean what you say? because from what I see, you don’t really mean what you say. you did the same thing yesterday as today. I told everything to anita and she gave me some moral support at least (: (thanks).

you never told me face to face.
I'm giving you breathing space but you need to appreciate that.
say thank you maybe,
smile,
say HI.

let's suck it up and be as tough as diamonds, unscratchable. of course I want to be one, I hope. but will you suck it up also?

2009-04-14T21:01:00.003+08:00

its those tears that happen between friends,
those tears that either say a dramatic past,
a shadowy past,
or really, the sincerity of an apology.

I'm really sorry for everything.

anger tantrums are an example as you can see.
I bleh everything out without knowing that heartbreakers are just a doorstep away.
I'm really sorry.

I did cry, after writing.
I did cry, even though I sought strength.
I did cry even though I knew everytime you were the strength of my tears.

sometimes I really wonder whyy.

and tomorrow, I'll do something in return.

2009-04-14T20:22:00.001+08:00

sick of everything
I crumbled down.

essence of dittany;

2009-04-14T19:35:00.004+08:00

I mean it, seriously. if I got a darn attitude problem, SAY IT OUT LOUD, in my face. stop acting and avoiding me.

you know, during morning assembly, I thought I was going to celebrate. that my _____________, was _______________________________. so I was pretty happy for the first half of the day. tp made the day worse, AS USUAL. went for project runway during recess, lalalala. oh and I passed the card I made for heather during recess, aye (: I hope you like it (:

then lalalala again. now the second half of the day nearly made me cry. first I tried my personal "friendship" tests (I think some of yall whom I told about this know what I'm talking about) and they all show the results I expected. it was the last lesson that was the grande finale.

get well Sabrina (:

utterly speaking, you have the cheek, the guts and the heart to wait for someone else. me leh? oh I'm an invisible wall. I go die can lah, right? I haven't even step outside of the class, you left already. wow man. so in the end I had to stand like a kukubananahead on the 2nd level alone, wondering where MT class were. never mind. I saw the banister, nd for a moment I just wanted to jump down. so I walked around and finally met someone. yup I was in lalala land because well, I was already "bruised" and I don't want the pain to go in any further. so I went up. then I asked Irene whether Hana gave the CD already but she havent, so its okay (: nggak apa apa kok. oh yeah, Selamat Ulang Tahun kamu berdua!

Sabrina sneezed ha bleh times which I keep replying with alhamdulilaah.

and there I was at the back,
feeling like a kukuhead, wishing that I could sit with Sabrina, Irene and Hana (because honestly speaking, _________________________________.)
and you bloody know what?
I CRIED.

right in the middle of the class.
you didn't see right? that's right, I was fighting back my tears. trying tofigure out why you had to do this in the finale of everything. I was so looking forward to this lesson, all I got was this. thanks ah.

so, OF COURSE I was damn pissed off.
I took a long route to avoid everyone. TRY to avoid everyone.
packed my bag and went for French, then I bleh out EVERYTHING with Priyanka. she's a good, no SUPER good listening ear. 12 years of friendship was worth it (:

I LOVE MY SQUADMATES. really.

certain things I can't see.

2009-04-11T11:49:00.005+08:00

the personas thingy for firefox, I think it's awesome.
oh come to think of it I have to go to the cake shop later to order cake for someone. by right it's more of someone-s. and of course I have to print out the pic to put on the cake which I assume will cost almost ALL of my savings ): aye, but all for a good cause!
oh and I also have to burn Irene and Hana'a birthday presents. THAT doesn't cost anything.

I saw the best pair of table partners in my class. by right its 2 pairs of table partners.like seriously.

1st pair: they would collect all their homework for each other when one person is absent, and then one of them made notes that time to pass to the other person. also on each piece of homework one of the table partners would write notes on the worksheet telling this and that.

2nd pair: when one of them is sick the other table partner was very very concerned and even __________. then that person also collects homework for her even though it might be a lot. and the table partner who is not sick is very strong emotionally (:

oh yup, come to think of it, thursday I went to my my primary school's sports day (: and then I thought I was the only kukuhead from Cedar but then I saw SARANYA and TAYLOR [eh she gave me a letter I must go and reply. gossip is all the rage now girl ;) ]. oh then there was the usual milo truck outside which I drank 4 cups. and when I went inside it was like CHAOS, seriously.
this is the very very small torch hear I think Emerald house. as you can see, it's near the RED CROSS flag (:

oh this is my house AMETHYST (: the dragon flag is gone, dunno where. I think it was at the fron but didn't bother to see.and WE WON once more (: (: (: by 725 points I think. but Masidayu's back was facing me, bah. never mind. that was ONE of the reasons why I like the letter 'A'.
I swa Cikgu Rosmala also! last time she wa in charge of Malay Dance, now they hire instructor from outside. I still remembered she told everyone else "you look at Azri, she is very disciplined..." tk cikgu. (:
give me a gun to shoot myself;
save me from the horrors of the world, of school and friends.

2009-04-10T22:26:00.002+08:00

I wasn't there, for the whole thing.
all because of my piano lesson. I just wished, everything could change and I could be there.
I wish, I could take a lift to the 12th floor, climb and jump down. no wait.
maybe, I should just ________________ first.
:/

being part of everything has made almost every single thing I've been involved a disappointment. I've let them down. and I haven't achieved independence yet, regarding yesterday ): I myself am a disappointment-my Take the A Train was screwed thinking of today. no one gives a damn heck care about me huh. might as well I go and vanish myself and fade away from the cruel world.

2009-04-09T22:49:00.002+08:00

why is it so hard to be myself? there's always something at fault with me. evey single step I make there will always be people scolding me, nagging, warning for why should I do that. take for example, tagging on other people's board. I have the same blasted problem as ________.

there's no hope, and no fresh air for me to breathe, because I let other people use the air.

2009-04-09T22:16:00.002+08:00

I admit it, I did it. and I did because it was all these small things that make me cry. it was also these very big things that was worse than white hair and white lies. and Idk, just talking to you makes me want to cry again. because I don't know once again, you didn't say anything. I don't want cliffhanger endings. you made the pain worse by leaving me in a situation where you looked like you don't care and you weren't involved, and also a situation where I had to make EVERYTHING for myself. why do this to me? I ask you for a solution, but all you gave me was a blank stare. my flat has 12 storeys, for your information. I know I have a blasted attitude problem. so if you think that I have, why leave it that way? I really want to change for the better. you don't know that.

it's getting so much colder.

2009-04-09T21:50:00.003+08:00

sometimes, it is the same things that bruise your heart.
and as the blood drips down,

I think of everything Ive gone through.

sometimes, it hurts just to see something small that hurt you.
for example, a constant stare when you say Hi. or a constant long mum when you say something.
it really makes me cry. and make one line.

slowly, one line by one line.
and sit behind the classroom, knowing that there's no one beside me to stop me
because obviously, there'll be no one who will care.

then I will slowly slip out.
and no one's saving me.

carabiner.

2009-04-07T21:20:00.002+08:00

BLURPIG IS CUTE!
eh seriously. I mean although her cheeks are not THAT chubby, but still (:

oh, just to update, just now (like JUST now) I was watching this Cepat Tepat quiz on Suria and got one question for Yio Chu Kang Primary School. it was "A is the father of B. C is the son of B. How is C related to A?" then this boy from YCK answered "father and son." then "eh wait wait wait! grandfather and grandchild." luckily he answered before the time was running out! and if you see my MSN pm then you will know another funny thing. I think the boy very funny (: but they got 2nd. aww, never mind. (:

and shabrina, Im super proud of you :D even though you scraped your knee, you still ran on for 2.4 km and got a timing that, seriously, all of us will be really proud of. and speaking of that, when blurpig found out amirah's timing, she started scolding her! eh but both your timings were uber good for 2.4km okay! compare to mine lah, 1307 I think, I forgot. Sec3 Red Cross Rangers so pro (:

aside from the fact that I found my french textbook and notebook back (: (:, thanks to natalie, urgh that person never come coz of ____________. never mind!

"nothing's impossible."
"just do it."

did I tell you that your smile cost a million bucks?
SMILE (:

2009-04-06T22:02:00.002+08:00

why must you anyhow say I'm drama?
I FREAKING KNOW I AM.
ask me go join Drama lah if you say I am.

ding ding ding.

2009-04-06T21:31:00.005+08:00

aww shucks I miss korang man.
NORTHLAND MALAY DANCERS D:
to farah fathin hidayah nadia azra:
do you still remember the "clique" we had and that diary I brought back at home, the crazy story about dunno who falling in love, etc. etc? and "I hate ___________ and ______________. HAHA (:
and APPLAUSE 05 or 06.
the performance with chinese dancers? alamak, I want go again, because it was so fun (: aiyoh yoh.
"Princess" Yolanda and the birthday party (:
it was actually the first time I took part in a major school event.
oh that reminds me my face is still outside the school on the big poster (:

while washing the dishes...

2009-04-05T22:02:00.004+08:00

sometimes I wonder
why you gave me the strength to cry.
maybe it was because of something with you.

I don't know what to say already.
tomorrow will be something that I'll try to forget.
tomorrow will also be someday, that I wished was like last time.
but it's okay.
since you gave me that strength,
expect me to cry tomorrow at the sight of you.

what if yesterday's friend turn out to be today's stranger?
and what if yesterday's stranger
turn out to be today's best friend?

I just wished this would last longer.
but I know it won't.

floater thoughts.

2009-04-05T21:46:00.002+08:00

it's so strange,
yesterday you were one of my uber good friends.
now you're back to a stranger.

just want to really, _____.

2009-04-05T20:22:00.003+08:00

I just feel like &(Y)T*YG&&*R%^*Euy7)^(%&^&$##&^#Q!#$^%$&aocsbjhinuefb754^#%&I^&*O!^(P#&).

uurgh please.
you must learn.
don't think like you're damn proud okay. I know that by your body language. even some people say so.
and you're attacking me but I just shut up. it's oh-so-unfair.
if you think you can get away, I've experienced what you were suppose to feel.
more than twice.

birthday parody.

2009-04-05T17:29:00.002+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YU JIE AND PRIYANKA (:
yes I know Yu Jie's cooler than priyanka (; but oh whatever!
shit I owe them birthday presents. especially priyanka man, she give me I no give her. thanks for the teddy bear last time (:

when time ceased to pass by,
no matter what,
sumpah ILY and IMY.

one extra letter s.

2009-04-04T21:57:00.003+08:00

because now I know how it feels like.
because I screwed up everything.
but I don't want to say it openly, if not people will complain I have an attitude problem.
which I KNOW I have.
but yeah, ___________.

the time pass by without any sign of you.
where are you?
because I really want to reveal something to you.

and all is lost;

2009-04-03T21:28:00.004+08:00

because if time never ceased to go,
I wouldn't be here with you.

okay, I really want to thank a few people alot. like ALOT.

1. thank you, for being COMDEMNATIONALLY NICE 3 days. what I really told you, that ___________________________, it was true okay, not jk-ing or anything. I even told a couple of people about it. and thank you for the _____ that you gave to everyone, including me (which I took like 3 already lah, I haven't pay you back.) and I want to play it again! give me some more! aiyoh..OUCH! sorry. nyeh, it's just me pinching myself. (:

2. to the 2 of you, you thought you might not be good at it, but your presence counts okay (: and now I know I have to just pull myself up, pull my socks up before something even more treacherous happens. I know it was PRETTY EMBARASSING up there. but yeah. what goes around must come around.

3. oh gosh. YOU, of all things YOU. Ive known you since primary school, for about 7 years already (: and you know what? you really make a good mediator, because when I've been awestruck, you came to help. like that time, by the wooden stools. or by the time when I slapped myself for regretting. I know you threatened me with __________. I'll try to do so. I'm going to say this again ah, did you remember the Children's Day concert in our primary school? okay okayhush hush.

I'm praying for you and so are we. please wake up and get well. I dont' want anything tragic.
you were so cheerful during class just now, even cracking jokes. now it's all so..
wake up and get well, Luo Ting.

dont' wanna think about it, don't wanna talk about it.

2009-04-02T21:42:00.004+08:00

it only takes a second,
to release it all.

& I'm really sorry if I ever hurt you in anyway. no matter what, okay, it feels as though it was my fault when you ended the last sms. and I was even the more tempted to do it but I can't because it won't _______, fast. because, truth is you really hurt me a lot, to the extend that I just started crying beside you in school, but you won't get to see the tears apparently because either you didn't notice or smth like that.

someone told me I was nice today.
thank you (:

what if, I told you that people won't care if I go nuts, or if I just, well, disappear? I went blog hopping today, and found out. what if, there was one time when everything would just be so perfect, where past friends became your super good friend again, when your enemies became friends with you, when everyone just want to share some juicy stuff, even start a conversation?

~I can't never get it back if you're not at the front. because once you are, life will start revolving into last time.~

and HAPPY 15th BIRTHDAY HONG PEI,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAHSYAT,.
[you rock (: your show is absolutely fabulous and got thousand one hundred bands and Luna Maya, Olga and Rafi is damn FUNNY.]

you taught me how to cry while the sunlight strains my eyes.

it was intense;
a moment of silence, trying to reflect.
but it was too late.

Here we are, seven days and seven nights of empty tries.

2009-04-01T22:03:00.003+08:00

what if the past can be reversed?
I'll gladly agree a 100%.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YIXUAN.
enjoy my very sian birthday present I left on your desk. but I slept at 12 because of it you know! anyway. were you my ex tp in lower sec?

and HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY JIALUN.
although I didn't wish you a very happy birthday, hope you had one. really sorry that I couldn't give you a present! and seriously, I felt very guilty because of that. that plus other personal matters for the day.

APRIL FOOLS' DAY!
okay we wanted to play a trick on ET but I think it was the other way round. but we played a trick on Ms Chng (: and I think her reaction to our greeting at the end of the lesson was quite cute, she said "okay let's continue/resume with our lesson!" individually, I also played a few tricks on friends and squadmates. and I saw a different side of Riffana today (: which I think you know lah huh.

oh you know, becauase I guessed correctly the next line of Niza's latest blog post (I think it was "it's a damn cold night trying to figure out this life")then I asked if I can get 1000 bucks. in the end she offered to pay with smiles but I said, nvm, 1smile enough already! my MSN pm says why. then I thought I can guess another one but aiyah, in the end cannot, so it turned to a "what's the name of that song" game between her and me.

OPPOSITE man! if she knows English then I know Malay/Indonesian. like tell me how many Indonesian bands are there? got Peterpan Ungu Sheila On 7 Nidji Naff Namb HijauDaun Ello Elang Tiket Garage Kotak Roulette TheTitans Seventeen FiveMinutes ST12 Radja Samsons Kerispatih Changcutters D'Masiv D'Cinnamons D'Essentials ProjectPop Alexa AndraAndTheBackbone Sector9 Signy SecondCivil Slank Utopia...ENDLESS. and then tell me how many English bands are there? PATD Backstreet Boys Fall Out Boy TheClickFive and Im really really very lazy to put anymore because halfway down a list I'll just give up.

and I'm really sorry for everything. I wish, you could see it face to face, the pain I had.

read.

2009-03-31T21:40:00.002+08:00

I don't care, you are going to read this, digest everything and try to understand my predicament.

why don't you care? you know, last time you were so bubbly, always laughing at every single small laughing matter. now it seems you're taking everything almost seriously. you know last year, I had lots of fun with you in school, going everywhere up and down with wan ping, you and rugaiyah. this year I felt so dead.

where's my splitting personality? remember that time we played a trick on amirah together on MSN? why am I the one talking much all the time? and I gave you that best brother award, not jokingly. seriously. now I feel, do you really deserve it?

I'm spinning into a world of confusion and I want you to be there to pull me up. but it seems you don't care. and it's between both of us, not between other people. I want you to read because I feel damn NEGLECTED. I know it's too severe but yeah. if you think the past is too childish, tell me! don't make me figure out things for myself, or let others emotionally prop me up!

you're being controlled by others. be strong, ___________________! I thought you were better than this. how could you change within a month full of holidays? and I haven't told you this but after the Port Dickson trip, your sms was the first one that I got. which was very sweet. (:

don't ask me to smile, because you'll only make me cry.

Love,
milly.

take in moderation.

2009-03-30T21:11:00.003+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY XUE MING (:
classmate.

what if I told you,
that the next day you're going to suffer something tragic?

okay I just realised I haven't studied for french yet, but I have to come for the full thing because got the very ()*^%R&%E$ controle and yeah, that person is there (: but thanks kaushi for reminding. and I really want to eat somemore of the Egypt food on the 6 different trays of food that time at the Fete De La Francophonie. and thank you priyanka for helping us get the t-shirts that time although I know I kind said this a hundred and one times.

talking to someone you know for very long and very close helps, because I can confirm and learn some new stuff that I used to be naive about, like...

1. I think, reading posts about someone you have "enemies" on, it feels like "oh man why shouldn't I be there? I want to be there also!" that kind of feeling. don't you think so? and people who seem to have their name 'flashed', 'neonated', 'twinkling', appearing in big bold letters, or other variations of it, it's like everywhere also kena have that person one. sometimes it's really irritating.

2. people who just joined cliques, they'll start forgetting the others. that's why during Chem lecture I was staring at you, trying to make you realize. not that I'm preventing you from becoming friends, but from your face I can already tell. but be careful. be mentally strong.

3. just be yourself because unexpected things can happen! hehe (:

4. don't be dependent too much on others. sooner or later, they'll feel the pressure. I once had a tale of being too dependent on someone for my problems, now I don't talk to her anymore because I'll have that guilt that another problem, another string of I-have-too-much-pressure. having said that, try not to float and ask for advice. try and stick to a few people cause you never knew what damage it can get by spreading to alot of people.

maybe you won't agree lah, I know of some people who won't. but it's my personal view. so yeah.

telling you that I did let go, felt like I didn't let go. you told me not to wait. but what else? because everytime I see and I hear, I listen and I understand, I get the sinking feeling. should we talk again? this time, the 3rd time?

air balloon.

2009-03-26T18:32:00.007+08:00

oh no no no DYLAN HAN'S BIRTHDAY WAS ON 24TH.
shucks man.

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY TO YOU (:
and to my ex tp CELESTINE as well-HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY.
found the giraffe?

I really just want to conk someone's head for the thousandth time.

but to you, you started to change I suppose. what I said, to shut up and let nature take its own course, it worked. it was the past few days that I pressurized you; I'm really sorry for that. oh you know something, Kimi Raikkonen had fastest lap time in F1 Singapore! at least I was one of the so called "few" people that knew about this quality.

wait that sounds COMPLETELY weird. but the person Im directing this to, will understand. soon. I hope. someday I hope you will understand this.

yixuan's birthday is on 1/04. no WONDER! :D

that day, we really felt together. now, all because of my stupid attitude, we can never be. the trio who watched Narnia together at Plaza Sing, who finished popcorn in 5 minutes, saying that the soldiers's hentak was like crap.

I wished we could relive that day again.
and I hope you read this, even though one is the why-should-I-go and the other is ya-so-what.

I find Something That I Already Know by Backstreet Boys very nice, easy to get stuck in my head. but it has NOTHING to do with me. but Incomplete is still the BEST, especially the "I tried to go on like I never knew you" part quite nice, like it gives some sort of hey-I-really-tried- that kind of thing.

try to be someone, who stands out from now on. maybe even help in something.
but just give me a chance.

to break apart, separate, shatter.

2009-03-25T20:23:00.004+08:00

chemically poisoned.

;& it's just so depressing.

firstly, because of my unfinished maths homework, I had no choice but to just ask from everyone. I asked squid; and she said you never pay attention is it? it was then I didn't dare to ask her anything, anything, for fear of being pissed off at me.

secondly, tp and I are drifting apart. I used to feel so happy, free, just free flying. I don't know why, it's surely because of me. describe me in 20 BAD words and you got the correct answer. and for some apparent reason, I feel like an alien in my own class-like everyone's giving me that dao look. I know it's my fault and I do have an attitude problem. do they have some personal grudge against me?

thirdly, during _______, it was really a what I would say fend-for-myself day. as usual, with others they would say Hi like the world would end tomorrow. but its just, the mere plain face, to me.
I don't want to go through that painful day again. but I really am afraid of asking you guys ANYTHING. just anything, and I would give myself 3 minutes to figure out the right words to say, and whether I should even ask or not.
my presence was for some apparent reason not very obvious.
why put me at that same place when you could just put an invisible wall?

it's my fault that everything was just so screwed. losing one of my dearest friends, in the process of about to lose one again, forgetting this and that, acting so bold to get everyone's attention, being such a loser. and I really dont know what to do, because I still haven't gotten INDEPENDENCE.

I really wish to just jump off some high building. and I really wished I could just let you have a peek in what I have to say to you. you changed, _________, into someone who really doesnt care about me anymore. I really need to talk to you because you were one of the reasons for my everyday tears.

Dear me,
you really DO suck. and you are really the worse person I have ever seen.
I do not regret telling you this because it's really the truth.
From me.

2009-03-25T00:07:00.001+08:00

why do this to me?
I thought without you, the sunshine wasn't there.
but it seems, everyday the sun will no longer be there.

why? do I have to go through all this just to face you? and all you do is just flick everything away. no, don't tell me you are changing into a MONSTER again.

floater.

2009-03-23T20:27:00.001+08:00

you just have to shut up, keep quiet, sit back and let nature take it's own course.

start, don't stop.

2009-03-22T20:24:00.007+08:00

WE BROKE A RECORD OF 15 YEARS!!!!!
that means, uh 15 times 12 months = 180 months,
= appox 5475 DAYS.
WOW.

and Heather, stop crying okay (: coz you come to school look super glam, go home later how? haha not jking okay. thank you for leading us to victory, for straining your voice and trying your very best to make everything a complete success! and THANK YOU FOR THE ROSE, FELLOW I/C (: (: (: (:

we're super proud of everyone, from A-Z, from the bloody victims to the soloists, WE'RE SUPER SUPER PROUD OF YOU ALL ESPECIALLY BECAUSE OF A GOOD JOB. um, should be FANTASTIC JOB. to supporters also, dunno the age, for coming down and giving us moral support. (:

CONGRATZ CURATORS!

side note: RAMYA WON THE TAMIL SINGING COMPETITION ON VASANTHAM CENTRAL (which I dunno the name. ) YAY!

glory to RCY and Cedar.

can we talk? meet somewhere, maybe by the wooden stools by the UG boards? someplace, sometime? there's a whole lot of stuff I have to explain, before I start sogging my pillow again. but it doesn't matter, because if I have to tell you everything, before starting, I'll just start breaking down again.

why bruise my heart any further, _____________.

it's just so fruitless.

2009-03-20T23:47:00.003+08:00

camps are OVER, then tomorrow got TALENTIME and I still haven't finish my goddamn HOLIDAY HOMEWORK.

let's talk aobut myself shall we?
I HAVE NO SPATIAL VISUALIZATION.
accept it.

I wished you had knew why I cried during camp and yes, although I knew it was completely embarassing, but you need to know. the reason was you, unfortunately. it reminded me, of how foolish I was to think that everything was a game. of how, we would take __________ and go ____________. especially during ___________ when you asked me to ___________ and then, you ____________. it was so ________, made me cry you know. I didn't even bother to __________ it because it was too precious.

I wished you had known what was running through my mind when everything just came out.

but I have ___________.

damn, for these past few days, I was forced to believe that
I'M NOT USEFUL AT ALL.
and I do believe in it, after looking through my actions. everything was just a mess, from right things turned wrong, complaints, accusations.
I do suck :/

somehow, my feet were never in reality.
but when they were, I went back there.

thank you for telling me that I had so many strengths (: but a bit the ironic ah.

post it again.

2009-03-17T22:45:00.002+08:00

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I just made a fool of myself, thanks. it's all swear words, by the way,"inspired" by Asterix and Obelix.

I really meant it by wanting to talk.
it comes out again.
and past problems arise.

2009-03-16T22:03:00.001+08:00

we need to talk.
because everyday Im crying because of you. and it gets harder and harder to avoid myself from the blade.

we need to talk, ___________________.

scandalous.

2009-03-14T20:40:00.003+08:00

oh how I wished OAC could be longer.
because I want to do ZIPLINE again, and scream I LOVE 3O!!!!!!! again.

aw shucks.
why?
because this was the thing, the very same thing that bonded 3O alot. it was really a time when I could really belonged, and yeah, 3O really did face a whole bunch of obstacles. High E was really scary, especially the challenge pole! by the time I was top, the whole entire pole was shaking!

thank you to the leaders (Leader Elisha, Leader Jiahui and Leader Yolanda) and to instructors (Instructor Alex, Instructor Esther and Instructor Samantha) for helping us as well in everything, like bearing us, for example and motivating us for High E, Zipline, other activities as well.

I LOVE 3O. WHY?
1. cause we created a whole set of cheers within 1 to 2 days,
2. we persevered,
3. bonded,
4. tried to get out of our comfort zone,
5. we're SMOKING and HOT
6. we're WINNERS and CHAMPIONS
7. cause we are COOL.

I'm still used to the "3O you only have 3 minutes left!" every morning, used to think that my cloths are all in my yellow bag, used to the corridor outside the dorms.

and I achieved my mum's goal, that is to make new FRIENDS(: there was actually some sides of my classmates that I didn't see in the usual classroom lessons, like the funny sides of some people.

oh you know something, just now after auditions, priyanka said this on the MRT.
"eh you know the Tiffany is your class? I think she's like so cool lah! she can dance well and like, she's so cool! what CCA she in ah?"
then I answered "she's in Tennis! eh ya what, she choreograph the dance for Campfire mah!"
then she said again "wah, so cool! she can realy dance well!"
haha DUH because she's THE GREAT. (:

THANK YOU 3O.
haha yes, and I will try and shut up because if not later Niza will pinch me blue black!

someone please help me through this period of time. moodswings seem to be the usual fashion in my life now. it's becoming a usual thing. sometimes, I see things, events, I get this mix of feelings. anger. betrayal. revenge. remorse. depression. and there's nothing I can do. and worse, there are events that really, prolong. and if you think Im crapping, SHUT UP because you don't know me.

2009-03-09T19:35:00.001+08:00

oh for goodness sake

SO WHAT IF THE GUITAR BROKE DOWN?
and I think you're talking about me.
so ____________, ______.

2009-03-06T18:47:00.003+08:00

oh whatever.
WHATEVER.

I’m really pissed off at the people who think that they know everything and can adapt to EVERYTHING. and the people who think that they are SUPER correct in EVERYTHING because that goes to show how vulnerable you are to threats.

~a letter.~
Hello.
I thought that you were free to read the post I made on our blog. but it seems like you don't care. why, for some apparent reason that I don't even know. we're drifting apart, for another reason which until now Im trying to figure out.

I thought when we were in Sec 1 and Sec2, we were DAMN close? you made me cry while having dinner. and I punished you (well sort of) by making you stay in my class. but I have to admit, I was obnoxious. damn it.

I wish I could say sorry to you. and I showed my wound. you had nothing to say.
were you even concerned?

you're turning into someone that I don't even recognize.
who are you now?
are you still the same
or did you change some how?

milly really wants her cHeese back now.

2009-03-04T22:30:00.002+08:00

"and you just want to go bang bang."

IRENE'S PIDATO IS DAMN GOOD. it's really WOW.

you know, the hydrophonics area is a good place to do a giant feeling-mural. just splat your paint all over when you are angry, paint something abstract when you are excited, paint something without any feelings when you are sad, and when you're bored, well, one line is mostly enough.
and when you're confused, you can do dots, spirals, the like. nervous is like spray paint, very heavy. and when you're completely depressed then you can express in words, use red and black.

sometimes, I want to put a bunch of flowers at the back of the class. because it reminds me, of the same thing, eveyrtime. and not only at that place. the grand piano is also one. I know you don't care! but there are times when you just wished that everything was like last time.

and you know, I dont think I'll get a ______________ for my birthday.
or neither pass ______________,
nor ________________ back.
do ________________s along the corridor,
and when I play ______________ you will never ____________________.
now, you'll never ______________ together.
or ___________ any form of __________ together.

I thought I could.
but somehow I never found the strength to do so.
maybe it's just me, you know. weak and nothing better to do. but it all reflects back to at least one single event in my life.

Utopia in my version is really something very cheem.

alien got a kinder joy toy in her kinder joy (:

anyway. I'm really not sure whether I can last this long, waiting for 2 years. 2 years to pass by is a very long duration. 2 years of knowing that if I don't make it, I'm done for.

the feeling of just wanting to slap you gets bigger and bigger.

I passed the era of squeaky shoes.

2009-02-26T22:11:00.002+08:00

wait, that's my finger you're grabbing there, not a pencil.

hm, I just changed my phone theme to some fruity theme thingy created by, I think NaHed or Ahmed, dunno who. but the duck "bandaged" in bandanas is still my wallpaper (:

today's thursday right? I'm so sorry but thanks to common tests, today it felt like a friday. speaking of thursday...yup. today Heather, Sara Teo, Suchitra and me went to Parkway Parade to get our costumes, and me being the idiotic one who only brought what, 7 bucks for everything whereas the others brought more money? so in the end they paid for me-sorry to yall!

I think 77th street is a fantastic shop, because we found our scarf there :D and sara teo had this very brilliant idea using that scarf so we shall buy that some other time, which reminds me that I have to get black skinny jeans.
and I bought a cinnamon apple muffin.

I really want to thank SARA TEO for almost everything lah. because you were willing to listen to me. and Idk why, eveyrtime I revise something with you it always get it my head. haha (: and I told you that like a million million times to you already.

I just thought of something. everytime I read their posts, I felt kind of different. like those posts had something to do with me-like I said, because of the "scolding session" I had, I'm really afraid to ask them something, or talk to them regarding something, or whatever.
but it doesn't really matter, because I don't think they care.

which is extremely sad of course, but yup.
if only I could take a video and show yall what I mean.

why oh why. I don't think behind every cloud lies a silver lining. why it feels like this, I have no idea. blaming myself for almost everything, I suppose it's starting to become like a habit now.

but then again, I always wanted to be in the spotlight. and sometimes when I see people already in the spotlight, well, I get jealous. that's one weakness of me-getting jealous TOO easily. to the point of suspecting ___________________.

sometimes, it is the little things in life that goes a long way (: when you do something small but good, you feel good about yourself, and you feel good and optimistic about everything.

in this case, I'm not too sure.

do it in moderation.

2009-02-20T21:27:00.002+08:00

um, I made prawn's wallet disappear from the table and reappear on her Physics textbook. actually I wanted to disappear SQUID but then she wants to go to the toilet.
so then I offered to PRAWN but she don't want.
it's called MALUATING.
haha.

y2a's blog DONE.
zilch, zip, nada.

I'm starting it again because of you. thanks ah. thanks to looking away, the rolling eyes thing, the monster thing. eh thanks ah. and I tell you, it's not only me facing the problem-there are some others out there that might be right in front of your nose facing the problem. and if you thought I was pretending, see the true side of me now instead. oh yeah, hark who's talking?

everyday there's sure to be someone crying. of school, friends, demanding teachers and well, other stuff. this is the stress period, the most "fragile part" because during this period, you tell something a little bad to that someone, he/she will be affected very badly, and yes, like a domino tower, tip tip tip tip tip tip tip.
in other words, et cetera.

it's a murderous attempt.
thanks SQUID cause you were there for me. (:

keep your head high. if you suspect that _______ just did ______ to you, show it to ______, show that you are strong. that you have a strong heart, and you must STUDY. concentration on the important stuff and then con-FRONT-tation. like my STF friend said, show it high. morale must be boosted. there are better _________ than ___________.

I'm not sure for me though. something's eating away pieces, little by little. what, I don't know.

HELLO OCTOPUS.

Gloria has a _______!! it's cool because everything is touch here and there and you can get to almost everything. it's like a mini Mac that you carry around in your pocket.

Ad astra per aspera.

Carpe diem.

De gustibus non est disputandum.

I JUST WANT TO SLEEP.
yesterday's English summary, I was half yawning away. I think during recess, ironically I did the same. everyday I only get 6 hours of sleep (haha yes, that oh lalalalala thing is coming again) but other people are WORSE than me so yeah.

going to mug for SS now so YEAH.

drizzle drizzle.

2009-02-16T22:50:00.003+08:00

let me tell you something that there's a scary cuckoo clock in my living room because suddenly the bird came out after 4 years and I just realized something that was SO important tht I had to smack my head and sometimes I just wish people would just stop acting dumb (except for some people that really like that one) and all my spelling has gone horribly wrong because my fingers are cold and there's also a scary correction tape which my brother left behind near the computer and oh no I just realized that I dropped my tp's valentine's day gift either on the bus or when I was running to catch up with the others for FDC ah damn it but then wasted leh coz it was a packet of OREO, and also I got MT TA on Tues and Thurs and CT is next week and BTC starts this week and tomorrow Im getting back my first French petit test which I think I screwed on the qui que ou dont part and oh yes, meet the seafood gang, consisting of fish, squid and prawn, which yes might sound like some sashimi platter but definitely not because they all breathe in oxygen via their lungs and I also completely agree with someone today while on the bus that sometimes you have to stand up and stop being behind the scenes, well I think that's what she said.

thinking back;

2009-02-14T23:11:00.005+08:00

oh yes we DID IT!!!!! (:
claiming back the trophy, the glory.

thank you all.
months of hard work paid off.

and a thousand screams in the air, with cheers.
wait, INCLUDING unstragetic seating.

I don't know, I feel very guilty because of just now. me and my big mouth, thanks ah.
look what it had done ):yes, I am proud of them. but this year, I don't know, the feeling of not being belonged came back again. it's like Im an invisible wall.

we're still the kallangwave07, still are and will.

and to 3O!!!
Alex and I LOVE GETTING SOAKED (:
you know, she'll be taking a new piece of paper then she will go to the hole as fast as possible to be the target.
like me also (:
then she hang her COALS tshirt on the string like some sort of clothes line. everyone can see lah!
haha, but thanks for being a listening ear (:

anyway,
we DID IT ALSO!!!
winning the Best Decorated Booth (as mentioned by tp.).
thank you EVERYONE.
once a 3Olympian, always belonging to the 3Olympians.

and for Valentine's Day, I got a lot more of stuff.
compared to last year.

there's love in the air;

months with moth eaten curtains.

2009-02-12T23:26:00.003+08:00

jiayou for

EFF-DEE-CEE!!

I didn't really said this in the past few days, but really, to these people:
rosalind
hui qi
amirah
yu jie
rugaiyah
wan ping
sarah ang
saranya
tian qi
hm well they deserve a round of applause dont they?

I need to get v'day present for tp. aah, what should I get her?

oh why oh why.

for the first time in 2009, I played with the blade.

all I could do is just cry at the sight of anyone of you.

I just wish I could be closer. or maybe, be belonged. somehow. but I feel like as though you are trying to put an invisible wall between us. please tell me, all of you, what is wrong with me? by doing this, unfortunately I might as well go back to the path. as in,

the path.

someone, help me out.

23 boxes of 23 files containing 23 names of 23 lives.

2009-02-10T23:01:00.006+08:00

Twenty-three is the ninth prime number, the smallest odd prime which is not a twin prime( two primes that differ by 2.)

The sum of the first 23 primes is 874, which is divisible by 23, a property shared by few other numbers.[1][2]

23 also has the distinction of being one of two integers that cannot be expressed as the sum of fewer than 9 cubes of integers (the other is 239).

According to the birthday paradox, in a group of 23 (or more) randomly chosen people, the probability is more than 50% that some pair of them will have the same birthday.

There were 23 problems on David Hilbert's famous list of unsolved mathematical problems, presented to the International Congress of Mathematicians in Paris in 1900.

The first 6 digits of Pi are 3.14159 which all add up to 23.

23 is one of the most commonly cited prime numbers - a number that can only be divided by itself and one. Twenty three is the lowest prime that consists of consecutive digits.

The number has been the subject of not one but two films: the 1998 German movie, 23, and The Number 23, starring Jim Carrey, released (naturally) today. Each has a main character obsessed with the number.

Charles Darwin's Origin of Species was published in 1859 - 1+8+5+9 = 23. Two divided by three makes 0.666 recurring (allegedly - actually it makes 0.6666666667). The Hiroshima bomb was dropped at 8.15am - 8+15= 23

why 23? you ask. well, you find out.

you know, I was bloghopping just now, and I read some posts. man, how could you. indirectly you demoralized me, but all the while you keep saying you really cared. I thought everyone had to get out of their comfort zone. but there's still an invisible wall.
sheesh, why is it so hard to find proof.

why am I always a 2 sider? in the end Im always the one to be blamed. I can cite examples but of course I can't.
maybe if there is a genie, I'll wish for one thing.

to be together again, like how we did when we were sec ones.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

POST NO.2
headlight's blogskins are cool. I think I'm going to change the blogskin because it looks like the links use up more space than the posts.

oh today we changed seats D: but lucky I not kena. phew! I really thought tp and I were like the "danger" people in the class. but yeah...so jia xuan is uh, diagonally behind me now, and that means I can't ask her for TicTacs so frequently anymore! but Felicia is sitting in front, Gloria behind. Sam is diagonally left front. eh very chim leh (: but anyway.

aye, there's still the funny people nearby. take Ann for example (:

I went back with Taylor after PSGM because I had english remedial. first time in uh, 6 years! haha, I didn't know my handwriting was like printer! D: alot of people said it. its actually quite fun, in a sense when you talk about school stuff like wrong pronouciation, for example.

haha, I think I owe tp a giant Valentine's day gift, for helping me out in everything.
THANK YOU.

ironic eh?

shred the paper, share the umbrella.

2009-02-07T23:14:00.003+08:00

Firstly, I think I have to brush up my Indonesian because lately I sound like a dolt in front of Irene and Hana. ehem, ehem.

I just realized something again, the lesser friends you have, the more forced you are to ask someone else who’s not your friend anymore about, uh something.

I got an sms from someone completely unexpected. I thought you were someone whom I have to ________and __________. but it was good. I think for once you brightened up.
change happens, I suppose. yes, LOTS of people have changed. it’s quite pressurizing for me at times because their “new” self, it looks a lot like my past.

I don’t want to be reminded of the past.

but sometimes, you just can’t help it, especially if it’s at the front of your door.

I took TicTacs from Jiaxuan again! tp said they cause brain damage if you take too much D: but it’s a good freshener. and tp told me one thing which is a bit frightening! besides the fact that I’m sitting two rows behind the whiteboard.

and hey, I didn’t know that quite a bunch of people knows Mind Your Language! (:

Imagination is the highest kite that you can fly. don’t you think so?

sockparody,sockparody,sockparody,sockparody,sockparody.

I have so many shared diaries. one particular one was very memorable. actually BOTH diaries. I lost the one with biodatas and profile. aw shucks, got a lot of stuff there inside. got code somemore. you know, there's 8 numbers at the side and there's a 4 number code and you have to press the combination to get it? but the devide broke. so yeah.

yesterday I watched my first horror movie. and I learnt something from there.

2009-02-05T23:32:00.004+08:00

can the window pane be misty?
please.

I don't know whether to laugh, cry, scream or shut up.
or do everything.

but I think it's best to shut up and yeah, keep quiet.
haha I'll tell squid, tp and jia xuan tomorrow(:

Ann has a great sense of humour (:
Riffana said "during recess I ate my lunch" when we had to come up with sentences using connective words.
and laughing is contagious.

H)()G&E^%$E.

2009-02-03T22:34:00.002+08:00

I wished I hadn’t said this again because I already said it to like a thousand other people.
but I can’t stand it when people only talk about this person being their what, savior, strength to overcome, you get it.
and then there's the long list of good qualities that the person has done.

when the person just provides a listening ear to you.

actually I'm quite lazy to post because really, unless you want to read a post that says "today, went to school and had lessons, then recess with tablepartner and came back, had lessons, then went for french and went back home." very cliche over time right?

haha, but my table partner is COOL okay. so is the people in front of me and back of me and the sides.

oh yeah, I need to buy sweets for Valentine's Day. speaking of that...

~yawn~

I have a secret for singing.

okay I'm talking very very random stuff, as Alex found out. aargh...remember that crocodile stuck in the bench? or the duck screaming, uh I think it's wailing, A-Woo-Waa?

I LOVE Mind Your Language.

"some big stars, some not so big stars. some small stars, some little stars."
I'm watching it now, btw.

1708ibqof/bla.

2009-01-29T19:45:00.003+08:00

3O is LOVE. why?
1. there's crazy people, like ME. for example.
2. coz we are COOL :D
3. everyone's friendly.
4. can make people cheerful and smile (: (hehe.)
5. a nice sense of humour? haha.
6. coz we are COOL :D
7. coz we are COOL :D
8. coz we are COOL :D
9. coz we are COOL :D
10. coz we are COOL :D

I think I need 1100+++ salonpas-es for my muscle aches. pretty beaten up, I would say.

another 1100+ blades to cover up my tears.

having the impression of a foul mouthed ghost.

2009-01-28T22:13:00.002+08:00

Dear _________,
I regret to inform you that your friendship with me has been terminated. sorry for the inconvenience. as of today, you will no longer be addressed as ________.

Esther and I have another similarity. we like ILJIMAE(:

you know, the whole day I had suspected that I'm going to catch a fever tonight. unfortunately it's true. fortunately it's not that bad. all because my shoes wee soaked as a result of being washed under the tap from 6.40 am until around 7pm and also because in class I have to sit barefooted.

some things that people say are simply too ridiculous to believe. example, saying you want chocolate because someone else...likes it. or choosing specific times to feel something. well, I don't really want to show the actual examples right?

oh great. blogger's block.
brilliant.

"stanging on the stern..."
well I guess today was a mix up word day. because, first, instead of saying stand hanging, I ended up saying stanging and wait, there was one more example but...damn, I forgotten it.

haha priyanka, I have the same problem as you. too bad I only realized it 2 weeks later.

I miss the times when I played Sims and Sims 2. when I discovered lots of things and was completely crazy about the expansion packs, especially when I got the full package for Sims. toobad for Sims 2, the expansion packs are &^*$%##$%@, meaning expensive. at least I still remembered the cheats. yay (:

well, that's all I think for now.
aside from the fact that I think right now there's a crocodile biting an elephant's tail and running around the swimming pool with a rubber duckie in the middle.
of course I'm joking.

ashkdjvbboyquwfe.

2009-01-27T16:44:00.002+08:00

okay, I shall put a SUPER SUPER LONGGG post here to fill up the big big blank space at the bottom which looks completely awkward. and very wasteful too(: I mean, they say to save paper, so I save SPACE.

oh,I need to put this down before I forget; that I like The Tuxedo, The Pacifier, Narnia. yup, because I keep forgetting these 3. like a post-it note. hey that reminds me of the post it note on my desktop, on the Google Sidebar.

yesterday I watched Mind Your Language-it's like a comedy show which is very funny (: but it's quite old also because it's created around 1977. wah so long! but as they say, laughter is the best medicine. maybe. but Whose Line Is It Anyway is funny as well-I used to collect eposides them upload to my mp4 and laugh away at the MRT or bus or whatsoever while people stare at me like as if they've seen a cow bark or a sheep meow.

"Anyone knows what is the Milky Way?"
"Yes."
"Chocolate."

you know, there's practically NOTHING to do during the holidays-of course you must study lah-other than sitting in front of the com or if you have any homework. shit, that reminds me of my French homework.

oh, I also found some nice L pics:

but dunno why I can only post one pic.
but still nice right (:
slayerette even did a skin out of the pics.
um although Im not sure whether she used this pic...but now come to think of it, I dont think she used it for the blogskin.

woke up early to baby blue eyes from the afar
and when the sun comes through and lights you like the angel you are
I know I do you wrong when I’m with you I’ve been gone

With every season change, it looks the same (november to june)
And dont these empty streets skip a beat the flowers dont bloom

I can’t believe I missed your birthday again
and I wanna come back but I just don’t know when now

And I’m so lonely your not here with me
That’s why I’m gonna be on the next plane home

The road that never ends around the bend I see you smile
I’d swim across the sea to be with you for a while
cos I’m made a life would be gone
now the way that I feel is i just don’t belong here

And I’m so lonely you’re not here with me
thats why I’m gonna be on the next plane home
And you’re you’re the only face I wanna see
thats why I’m gonna be on the next plane home

Stand around try to make every moment
and be somebody yeah anybody
it seems the whole world is taking me over
I need somebody to help me getting back to it

and I’ve always been a million miles away
but things are gonna change
I just wanna come home

And you’re you’re the only face I wanna see
thats why I gonna be on the next plane home
yeah I’m taking the next plane home
Now I’m getting the next plane home
Now I’m taking the next plane home

DANIEL POWTER-NEXT PLANE HOME

it's hard.

2009-01-23T18:57:00.004+08:00

whew, Im super exhausted now.

just came back from Yuanchi's wake with Kui Yan. not really just, it was hours ago.
even though its been about 5 days after the news, it's still hard to accept.

I really have sore eyes now.

goodbye.

one liner...

2009-01-22T22:10:00.001+08:00

thank you SQUID. (:

as it goes;

2009-01-20T19:36:00.004+08:00

it was completely shocking to hear the news, especially on a Tuesday.

it's a long goodbye to you.

it's a long goodbye, to a classmate.

a long goodbye, to a classmate for 3 years. and another 3 years.

to someone who I always asked for a french dictionary in french classes. you know, I never got the chance to pay you back.

someday maybe I'll try.

to you.

rest in peace.

diary post.

2009-01-16T22:02:00.004+08:00

no no no, please, be the happy person you used to be.
I really want to help you, get you out of your problems, and just give you a listening ear. but how, am I supposed to ask you? how am I supposed to help you when you refused my help months ago?
please dont be like the old self I used to be. because it hurts.

and you better tell that confunded yourself that at least someone cared.

being superior is one thing.
being superior within no one is another thing.
it's a big difference.
do I have to say A Pocketful Of Sunshine to you this time around?
or should I just let you so that you can handle it by yourself?
because I dont know-I'm so confused. alot of stuff has been happening these weeks, and I don't know if you have known, or not.

because I'm depressed, again, because of everything. the Amelie piano song, then the homework, now something else which is you.

I don't know why the MSN conversation window with you is open now. I want to say a word, but I don't dare to. sending an email is just so repetitive. sms is like, well, giving a handkerchief to an elephant.

Ya Allah, give me the strength to face this. if any bad words come out, give me the strength to face it, and not cut myself up again, like last time. I want to be strong for myself, not because someone else is there.

qvrpeuobvsaugavkakhlads1i.

2009-01-13T22:06:00.002+08:00

stop doing this.it's for my own good.

oh, Renuka told me advice about having a blog, that you have to cherish it, or abuse it. then's its VERY dangerous to abuse it-when people come and read that post of yours, they will start to fight with you, have a conflict (words or other versions of it) and you will get into more deep trouble than you ever expected. that of course, reminds of SS.

thanks alot (: because it really made me think.

there's tons of homework to do. got 1 French compo, some more exercises, read Chem, do English hmwk (which I have already done), uh then other stuff to do like for example, make AT LEAST 105 __________ for Valentine's Day, go shopping for materials for CNY and Valentine's Day, make birthday presents and laminate, urgh, what else...

so what would you feel if your situation was like this:
you are scared of being extremely wrong. or doing something wrong. then you read someone's blog, and at one bit, you thought she was talking about you. worse part is, it's pretty bad.

you would of course, feel that you have done something SUPER wrong.

other than the fact that your self-esteem can go damaged, of course.

why do I ask? well, try being in my shoes for a while.
but then, am I supposed to just blank out from everyone? maybe I should just stop thinking. stop getting involved. be dumb but at least dont cause trouble with other people.

why do I get so easily influenced by other people? it's almost like a daily basis, and I'm forced to change my entire mindset.

oh, btw, Natalie's in my French class (: which makes 5 girls, then if Kashmira manages to get into our class then there should be 6 girls then. enough for monologue and dialogue. we were kinda surprised at how the boys grow SO tall (especially VIJAYA. and wearing long pants.

oh yeah, the class jacket. right (:

flash.

2009-01-11T17:57:00.003+08:00

good, I finally managed to finish the Titans Band banner (: took me longer than the Peterpan band one.
anyway, here is the Titans Band one...

and here's the Peterpan Band one...

uh, there's one for the squad also. a.k.a. the blogskin (:

coming soon: Sheila On 7 and MAYBE 2N and 3O. (:

must you ask a why?

2009-01-10T23:07:00.003+08:00

tritium poisoning.hm.
flag day was okay I suppose, except for the I think sour part when we were at Bugis I think. I still remembered my Sec1 Flag Day and alot of people donated. as in, ALOT. it was at Ang Mo Kio somemore. aah. well, at least people donated. even my grandma did (:

aah, jialun was funny. wait, I think so. ohyes, she IS.

and I fell asleep on the train with priyanka. its quite embarassing because I keep knocking the wall behind me or my head will bang priyanka or the person on the otherside of me or at the front. so I tried waking my eyes up (remember Mr Bean's Holiday?) but too bad I didn't have toothpicks. the stupid thing is that when I got home I wasn't THAT sleepy anymore.

baaahhh.

let me talk about something interesting.
lasagna has lots of yummy cheese.
there.

you know, talking to xin yi helps. like you can get a burden off your shoulder, or relieve you of your problems. I was talking to her about something quite disturbing, which I discovered a few days ago lah. then few hours later I didn’t really think about it at all. she was a good listener and I pity her at times. because of something going on recently.

thanks for the compliment niza (:

is that a pimple I see or did Santa Claus wanted you as his new reindeer?
eh don't misunderstand me! it's just a quote from one of the books I'm reading, and it sounds like the uh, wait...Trish's best friend-I dunno what's her name-in Nancy Drew the movie.

sometimes I wonder why should I cry for you. sometimes, I wonder why did you have to do all those things. didn’t you realized what you’ve done? I cannot recognize you anymore. where’s your old self, where’s the _______ I used to know? where is the person who used to tell me to change? and where, is the girl called _______?

I don’t know. but I don’t want to find your old self back. I want to help, but it’s of no use now, I can’t help. I wished, I really wished I could, to find your old self back. but now that I only know you as a very distant uh, person...

I can't say anything again. sheesh.
stop it, please.

post it.

2009-01-09T19:29:00.004+08:00

eh eh I think I forgtten to say Happy Birthday to people!

Happy Belated Birthday to Amirah, on 2nd January!
Happy Going-To-Be-Birthday to Esther, on tomorrow, 10/01/09!
Happy Belated Birthday to Hui Sian and Qin Yuan, on 05/01/09!
Happy Going-To-Be-Birthday to Yoo Jin, Min and Tian Qi on 11/01/09!

and here's my new class:3 OLYMPIANS.
I like my class. I like my seat. I like my table. I like the floor. I like the notice board which is underconstruction. I like all the football fans in my class. I like everyone in my class (: I like SS/Hist, for some apparent reason. and O-s of course. eh, I like N also!

I want a class jacket! like what 1N/2N did. I did a logo:

but I dont really know if it's nice or not. but then, if people want then its good lah! if people dont want then of course add curse words and alamaks but then it can be a wallpaper for my phone.

see ;D

and I like it when you realized that you've been given an opening of someone pulling a Guest-Of Honour pants down while falling down. (:

in the middle of the night.

2009-01-08T22:16:00.006+08:00

no it's my fault.
this time I think I screwed up almost everything.

I can't really say that it's unfair right? I mean, if I said that, they'll ask me again and say no it's not their fault, that it's my fault that I had caused this, why do you think so much, etc.

you know, I thought you really cared. but you didn't show it. it's worse this year, when you didnt even say hello to me, just a simple smile, done.
I thought I could talk to you like the old times, but with every single day comes a greater fear to even open my mouth in front of you.
I thought you could understand but indirectly you broke my heart.

oh yup, by the way, just now during double Maths lesson, when Mr Tan asked "Who here is a Manchester United fan?" and my hand immediately shot up, and Renuka and I was pretty sure it's SUPER straight. but anyway. the thought of double Maths lesson is dreadful if you think about it, but its actually quite okay. you get more Maths stuff in one day.

yup, I remember I was playing some Twilight song on the piano (it's actually NOT a Twilight song but alot of people thought it was Bella's lullaby which is not, but its the other version) and Syuhaidah was like "Edward Cullen!" thanks man.

was LIKE. I didn't say that she said that exactly.

I wonder how do you cry naturally. do the tears just suddenly come out, or you force them to come out because you feel too stressed and tears is the only way of relievement, or chop an onion under my face? or do you pollute your mind with all the mistakes and sins you have done and repeat them over and over again? because there's alot of times when you want to cry but you can't and when you don't WANT to cry then you start to cry.

take The Butterfly Lovers, for example.

oh, the class clock heaved its last breath and "after many, attempts to revive itself (stupidly-because the clock showed 6 am and its already 9am.), it dies.

maybe I should really get a new screwdriver-not a human one, a REAL one. so that I can screw up the loose bolts fom my head, and so that I can conk myself on the head if the need arises.

I really want to scream at you until your brain cells are gone, after reading at your post. my, you are still blind to everything. you are exactly like me now, and I dont know what to do. should I help? it looks like helping myself. nope. should I ignore? if I had, I'll be thinking about it all day. let me tell you something-
please just wake

up.
you changed in almost everything. I don't know what to say.

if bells moo, I'll say it's okay.
if piano keys are shaped in Hebrew letters, I'll just keep on playing the piano.
but if you don't care about me anymore, why am I thinking about you?

short.

2009-01-06T21:23:00.002+08:00

do you want to know something? I just screwed up my inferencial skills...damn it. how to do history now? actually I AM doing, just that I'm scared to inference. sekali get wrong...

but I didn't screw up on someone that I accused of karma. I mean, yeah, she caused pain on someone else, (super super pain) so I supposed she got it lah. but others may not think so, others may be like:

1. "alamak just a coincidence lah..."
2. "walleow you so sadistic is it?!?!"
3. "oh really, I didn't notice..."
4. "uh what's karma?"
5. "eh got pain already, now you want to put somemore is it?"
6. "uh who are you talking about?"
7. "uh who are you?" -eh no lah, this is the most pathetic case.

it's good that I didn't buy that popcorn chicken with cheese sauce and mayo. I already ate one small can of Pringles, and hm, don't want to stuff any more junk food again... :(

why's the 9 there?

2009-01-04T11:54:00.005+08:00

if you think building blocks are enough, I think you should see a doctor.

goodbye 2N, hello 3O.
goodbye Alicia, hello Renuka.

how is it that 2009 comes so fast? I miss the Sec 2 life, with all the ________, jokes, advice, tears, drops of _____, diversions, acts, chicken sandwiches, delivery-girl-kind-of-stuff, lemon tea, uh what else...ah, games, posters, the iMac, and lots more.

lots and LOADS more.

you could say I enjoyed my first day of school, especially the pictionary. (: but sometimes you have to get out of your comfort zone and reach out to more people, aye? so yup, that's what Im trying to do now.

I think I should work on hiding the truth behind my words, it seems. because alot of people found out what I was actually trying to say to them indirectly. which is bad, of course. you want to try telling them that you have forgotten to bring something belonging to them, so you say I think, something like "I wish I hadn't had Alzheimer's disease. but it hurts," and then your friend, for some apparent reason knows Alzheimer's disease and finds your true meaning.

you might consider it a lie, but sometimes it's necessary. like telling someone that their loved one has passed away, its hard. telling someone that they are wanted for murder, its hard. or the simplest solution is, telling someone that they hurt your feelings, without knowing it.

I REFUSE TO USE SHORT FORM UNLESS IT'S NECESSARY.
I warn you.

oh yeah, I have to tell theresa something. problem is, I forgotten it already.
wait, I remembered it now. and it's the best I can do.

I just realized something again, since Ive changed, lots of other people have became my old self. which of course reminds me of my old self. it's kinda deja vu, but I pity them, especially when we cant hold on any longer to something so dear.

hey. I'm sorry that I couldn't talk to you. I can't. like what heather said, you all are not stone figures-yall have feelings. and Im scared, that its going to happen again. I dont want to hurt your feelings by burdening you, I dont want to hurt you when I chat online. I don't want another bad thing to happen again. and I don't want to see another person destroyed because of my actions.

it's not that I don't trust you. I do.
but I'm SCARED to do anything now.

dont give me a clock that says 9.53pm but its actually 10.

bold lives.

2008-12-31T10:28:00.004+08:00

why bother being yourself, when all you wanted is to be like someone else?
Oh my goodness, sarah tan, that's so bad! but I guess all the things you said were true lah. in case you were wondering what happened, remember that time I told that I went to sarah tan's house to do the camp stuff? well, we kinda digressed a bit and went to other people's blogs. and well, although some of the stuff were pretty bad to say, but who cares? I mean, to me they are true.

terrible english and all that stuff.

today, had a New Year sort-of-party at my house, and all (well not all, but majority) of my cousins came. full house!
anyway, everyone enjoyed themselves. I think. and I LOVE, LOVE my aunt's honey cake. everyone said so. yup, my family is really one in a million. oh, and my cousin's going to the countdown party, wonder if its going to be super exciting.

right, HAPPY NEW YEAR. although I want 2008 to be longer (because I want to be Sec 2 for a longer period-it's so abrupt. there's lots of things to fix, lots of things I owe-birthday presents and apologies.)

and don't, DON'T drink drive. because if you are Mary, you'll turn into bloody Mary.

and I really wished that I hadn't said this, but this time I will. if you are so bent on wanting to be like someone else, why name yourself - - - - - - -? it's even more ironic, because you yourself told me to be myself, and not act like someone else. now, see what you've turned into.

sometimes I feel like laughing at your state. because it's like calling the kettle black, when you yourself are black. but I dont see the point of what you're trying to do. if it's because you need SOMEONE to be by your side, I would rather laugh even more. because I offered to be there; I WAS there, bu you blindly said NO, that you're going to solve everything by yourself.

no, I can't recognize you anymore. you changed alot because of this.
and it's pretty much obvious, I think even sarah tan's kinda realized who.

finders keepers losers weepers.

2008-12-29T21:48:00.005+08:00

it is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

okay, I really detest Shakespeare at times, but I think this is one of those times where putting my own quote will sound weird. so instead, I put a line from Romeo and Juliet. of course, Im not going to write the whole entire play here from the first letter to the last letter, read it yourself.

today I thought the meeting was at school, but then sarah tan called at the perfect time saying it's at her house. so in the end I went to school to buy uniform and also get the cups from saren. coincidentally orientation was there. it's quite cute to see new sec 1s running around in their new uniform and long skirts, etc. and so on and so forth. after I got my uniform after AGES, waited for the bus. then anita came! nice timing.

I walked with her back to school, talking about lots of stuff. and actually anita, I expected it before that. that's why I didnt faint on the spot. then I saw a familiar person coming down from a bus-but I cant remember her. she changed alot, and I couldnt recognize her new self.

by the way xin yi,that was why I asked you.

back to the story! after thousands of rounds, I finally reached sarah tan's house. then sat down to do camp stuff. best of all, Im supposed to laminate, then attach the whistles, do T-shirt design, and pass a bundle of stuff to priyanka?!?!

outrageous.

but okay lah.
now for my "owing" report.

"Owing" Report December 2008
-Jes owes me $2.40 for the socks and a plate.

-Sarah Tan owes me $1.20 for the socks.

-My group owes me...lets say $1.80 (if yall dont mind) for the laminating and for the twine.

-Priyanka owes me PE shorts.

-Saren owes me a MC and my umbrella (:

-Qin Yuan owes me a pair of track pants.

-I owe Priyanka $3.80.

hehe. no offence, but I took out lots of money this year, from my savings which was supposed to be for a new Mac.

I like Betapa by Sheila On 7. Here's the music video:
SHEILA ON 7-BETAPA

enjoy.

brrr...

2008-12-26T22:40:00.006+08:00

"Dear, you have the rays of the sun,
but would it shine upon the ground?"
firstly, Merry Christmas! well, although there's no snow here, we can just take a large piece of flexi glass, stick balls of cotton wool and then stick to your window and say "Ah, there's snow." but that costs alot of money-best thing is to just IMAGINE. oh, I sound like Barney. (I wrote this bit on Christmas and saved it as a draft, so dont mind it being late.)

bells dont bark. they ring.

anyway, today went to sarah tan's house to do camp stuff. her house is nice, it's like a freshly renovated house! anyway, I enjoyed myself there. and sarah tan told me lots of school stuff, from competitions and funny stuff and home econs, that stuff. thanks.

I forgotten to say this, but THANK YOU, A MILLION, MILLION TIMES, LOH WAN PING. you know, I found a very battered brown book and I found out it was my Sec 1 poem book! it's quite fun to find stuff from some corner of your room and you'll be like "oh, I didnt know it was there! wow, that must be ages ago..." that type. there was even one poem that I wanted to complete but I havent.

anyway, THANK YOU, for the cloth bookmark that you gave me 2 years ago. I didnt manage to pay back that bookmark with something else. THANK YOU, for the poem you wanted me to keep so I photocopied and kept a copy. by the ay, that was what I found in the brown book. and THANK YOU, for sacrificing your voice during that Haig Girls CIP. (:

I wonder how Sec3 life is going to get. especially in the science labs (; I mean, you hardly get to see Anu and Aarthi together right? and sitting beide them during science class, I enjoyed every minute of it.

I like those iPod commercials, by the way (: you know those black silhouettes listening to ipods? not the dancing penguin who gets dizzy or drunk (something like that) and dreams of an angel.

and OH I FORGOTTEN THIS VERY VERY IMPORTANT PART whch I was supposd ot post on the 22/12/08 post but forgotten and next time I shall never.
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY THERESA CHAN SZE YI.

you cant really see the words from here but just click the link and see it. although I cant give you the same ice cream pen, but there will be a surprise (;

and the cold wind blasted her face.

whoa, weirdo.

2008-12-22T22:07:00.003+08:00

I found a ticket in a box to say Hello to you in a garage.
hello again. well, just in case you're wonderng why I haven't updated my blog after for soooo long, its because I just came back from Indonesia to visit my mum's hometown. fantastic place there, except for the cough and food poisoning I had there. the cough, thanks to my cousin ah. anyway, one of my uncles who I havent seen him for 4 years (yes, 4 YEARS.) came back on, uh, the 2nd last week and went with us to Bali. and for the FIRST TIME I saw his children, a.k.a. my twin cousins. one of them is CUTE (: minus the kick-my-butt parts.

I almost forgotten everything there, to the point when I couldnt even remember my blog url (?!?!?!?!)! unbelievable. but in the end I managed to remember, of course.

oh, I tested out the new Peterpan, The Titans and Sheila On 7 albums, and ltogether they are FANTASTIC. well actually I like The Titans' songs but the best album cover has to be Sheila On 7. very grungy, vintage and a bit of vector-y.

I love Betapa by Sheila On 7, by the way.

well, I came back on Sunday, with red eyes, thanks to my cough which deprived me of 2weeks of sleep. so I woke up today at around 10.30am, the latest time which I have ever woke up. but its good that I finally managed to get some sleep, right? sorry vijaya, I forgotten to send you the photos! one email to you coming right up, A.S.A.P. now if only I could find that thumbdrive...

forgot to mention this: HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY TO RIZKI TITANS. (: proud to be a TITANIUM. (:

it's scary to know, that someone you know, who meets someone else and becomes slightly closer to that person, completely changes to become the exact duplicate of the newly founded FRIEND. it's completely horrible.
horrendous. dastardly catastrophic.
what happens if it really happened in real life? and the one involved was close to you? and what happens when you used to dislike one, but now you have to dislike two instead?
actually, Im quite okay about it. not really THAT okay, but the oh-okay-fine-yeah-whatever type of okay. but changing completely and imitating someone's behaviour and attitude just to show that you care for that someone? I think it's completely ridiculous. but if it's what you want, I dont know what to say. maybe it is, or maybe it's not.

I dont know.
I dont know what to say.
I'm sorry.

I'm me. not.

2008-12-04T16:18:00.003+08:00

after a sober 4 days,
it's still there.

after I think for a few days, I managed to get online again. but its only for a short while lah because Im using my cousin's com in another house. so yup.

for some apparent reason I still feel the guilt. and when I went to her blog, it made it even worse. until now. I still havent gotten any reply yet though. as in, reply from anyone. and its the hundreth time Ive said this but I'n NOT putting the blame on all of you.

back to story. the first day was something you can call "eventful", that is if you call the car getting broken down 3 times along the way, an accident causing a traffic jam which coincidentally was the very sam jam that we got stuck in. hm, what else to say?

"Lebih baik ku putuskan saja,
cari kawan lagi.
he, sabrina, I just realized that you can replace pacar with kawan. that's my situation now, dont you think? I didnt get any news from them by the way. but then someone taught me, that "don't expect everyone to be there." I think that person knows who she is (;

oh, I got my new albums already (:
by the way.

the post's going to be short, haha. I actually have lots of things to say but well, the time's limited.

I bite my lip.
because I dont know what to do.
because I blame myself again.

the same thing again.

2008-11-29T20:02:00.002+08:00

up till now, the remorse is still there.
just to inform you first, Im leaving overseas tomorrow. so literaly that means this blog will be dead from tomorrow until 21st. a bit strange because I always update daily if not once every three days and so on and so forth.

it still hurts to not even pluck up a sungle bud of courage to say I'm sorry. but then, like I said yesterday, sorry seems to be the wrong word. and again, the guilt, lke yesterday is still there. I'm sorry guys for treating you that way, being angry with all of you, and treating you like stone heads.

humans have feelings. I can't have everything my own way.

but I want to tell you all that each, and every one of you are UNIQUE. eveyrone has something different from the rest. like someone can be more retarded than the rest, or someone can have lots of ideas in one second unlike the rest.

except for me of course. I dont think I have anything special to offer.

I'm afraid of making any next move after yesterday. it's the truth. everyone is so...powerful. and I used to think that the whole world is in my hands, now I feel empty. but this time I deserved it.

tradition says I should be wacked with a cane.

and this time I shall do it.

sorry is the wrong word.

2008-11-28T21:05:00.003+08:00

"But all I did was brought you down."
okay, hey guys.
firstly I think I abused the blog. by putting a lot of swear words and criticizing lots of people when really, its not meant to be. so I apologize for that, and if I offended you or anything, left you out from anything or have said "Shut up!" to you, please tell me. Im trying to do a bit of Karma here, like what Earl did.

karma means to pay back what you have done, by the way.

I dont know. today felt like a scolding session, with everyone directing at me. no, Im not blaming these people. it's actually the other way round-that I realized that nobody's perfect,not even me. so firstly, I dont have the right to get EVERYTHING my own way. there's such things as sacrifices.

putting it this way, I feel its all my fault again.
(uh xin yi, by the way Im sorry that I caused your lack of sleep by sending those messages. I havent changed a bit yet, by the way, sorry.)

at that time I felt like an attention-seeker prat. it's true-I AM an attention seeker. and many people tried to steer me off that path, but I didnt listen. so here I am, staring at the blank ceiling and thinking of the thousands weaknesses and wrongdoings I've done.

sorry seems to be the wrong word.
something else that is stronger than sorry should be stronger.
THAT'S why I didnt apologize, I dont know what to say. I said sorry too much, I heard from anita. and as time pass by, sorry will sound like a broken promise to everyone. like I said, sorry IS the wrong word.

(the keyboard is soaked, by the way.)

even before that, I cried for another reason. hearing that speech was really like bitter medicine. and then everything started coming back, all the mstakes Ive done.

oh no, what have I turned into? a attention seeker? someone who is the "oh damn, please help me" type?
by the way, yes I have.

and...man, this is tough. but this time it's really, SORRY. I hurt all of your feelings, thrashed everyone, pressurized everyone without thinking of the consequences. no once more, its not that I'm blaming you all for my state, but I blame myself. that doesnt mean I ______, (although literally it slightly does.)guilt is an everlasting feeling, as I like to say.

guilt is something that can never be erased.
big mistakes are things that I think can never be forgiven.
what I've done is done. and to not change is horrible.

as you can see, Im in a state of remorse. very, very deep remorse. very, very guilty.
as I say this, I dont really think no one's going to forgive me.

I brought my whole ______ down, I brought them down. but nothing can be done-I did the grave mistake, THAT mistake and now it's all an end.
I'm really, sorry.

I wish when they would read this post they would understand. but reflecting, I dont think it would even happen.

but still, I need to change-I MUST change. so I'm going to leave alot of space for you guys. I mean ALOT.

miss an eye.

2008-11-27T22:11:00.003+08:00

baby doll, broken doll.

your advice hurts, sorry.
and to ________, sometimes the best is to just, hurt myself. it's the only option I have. well no one cares anyway.

to just keep quiet and be dumb.

keep talking.

2008-11-26T22:47:00.005+08:00

being lost in something can be good AND bad.
having lost something, cant be good but bad.
so while quite a NUMBER of people out there are well, working it out under the hot sun, I am also quite busy, lets just say.

P.S. one of my ex-classmates really looks like David Archuleta. but I dont dare tag it on his blog.

okay first, we went to Theresa’s house to complete mfw stuff. the first thing was that she had a pet bird, and apparently yu jie was very afraid of it. anyway, Theresa tried to make the bird come to her fingers but then in the end, failed. “oh never mind.”

after that we had some snacks. the coke-and-chips combo I mean. and I just realized, “damn, I forgot to read the papers.” so well, I read the newspapers. then we went to see the bird again, and Theresa managed to get the bird on her fingers by lifting the roof. honestly, I didn’t know you could lift the roof up. :/ so then she showed it to us up close and personal, then suddenly the bird flew out. for a short distance lah. yu jie and sarah tan were super FREAKED OUT. I think yu jie was saying “put the bird back! put the bird back!” or some version of it. (at least you get the main idea.)

oh, I like guzhengs (: the strings are very sensitive so you pluck a little, they make a sound.

so we went to theresa’s room. she claims its messy and we all were like “What?” honestly, it was VERY NEAT, compared with mine, which looked like a pigsty in the first place. so we started with the gifts.

had lunch which at first I thought I had to have tuna sandwich, but in the end, the beehoon was halal. well SOMEONE has explaining to do heh?

uh then came back to continue. and sarah tan and yu jie got their fingers dirty with theresa’s colourful stamps (: ah I wished I could have tried but well, I don’t want to get my fingers dirty and then cause a lot of trouble by trying-out-then-go-to-the-bathroom-and-wash-your-fingers-hard,-really-hard. but the designs were very pretty, especially the colourful pig.

THEN we did the “real thing.” after god-knows-how-long. well but it’s okay. Im not really complaining, really.

I miss my box of markers and the Carla chopper, by the way.

trouble is, I have to leave early. so Theresa was super kind to bring me all the way to the bus stop which was QUITE far, not THAT far. thanks (: but I sure have lots of fun.

aah, today I tried to do English hol hmrk and ended up finishing the English compre but halfway through the summary. I don’t know what other homework I have, plus I have to photocopy the sheet music, pack my luggage, update my box of markers and write a farewell note to someone, complete my hmwk (yes, ESSENTIAL! and IMPORTANT!) and most, MOST of all, GET MY LATEST PETERPAN, THE TITANS, SHEILA ON 7 ALBUM when I reach Indonesia safely.

well, that’s all I have to say for now. toodles.

Imagine having everything we ever dreamed
Don’t you want it?
Maybe.
Can’t you see it?
Kinda...
Imagine first audition after college
I get the lead!
A part for me?
Well of course!
Yeah right.
You gotta believe it
Keep talking.
You and I all the fame,
Sharpay and what’s his name?
Sounds exciting?
Inviting.
Let’s do it then!
Listening.
Personal stylist, agent and a publisist
But where do I fit into this?
With you we can win

Win a part
Think bigger!
Become superstars...
That’s better.
Don’t you see that bigger is better,
And better is bigger,
A little bit is never enough
No, No, No!

Don’t you want it all!
You want it, you know that you want it
The fame and the fortune and more
You want it all, you want it, you know that you want it
You gotta have your star on the door
You want the world nothing less, all the glam and the press
Only givng you the best to use.
Sing it!
I want it all
I want it, I want it, Yeah
My name in lights at Carnage Hall
I want it all!

Can’t you see it
Yeah
They’re gonna love me
Ahem
I mean us!
Red carpet, rose bouquets, crowd waiting back stage
I’m with her, don’t stop me, I’m not the paparazzi
Invitations, standing ovations
Magazines
Yes please
Gonna be celebrities!
Photographs, fanclubs, give the people what they love
Now you’re excited!
I like it
Let’s do it then
Times Square, jet setters, sequels
Hey better
New York today
Tomorrow the world!!
Sold out shows
Think bigger
And the oscar goes to….
That’s better!

Don’t you see that bigger is better and
Better is bigger
A little bit is never enough!
No, No, No!

I you want it all!
I want it, I want it, I want it
The fame and the fortune, and more
I want it all

I want it, I want it, I want it
I gotta have my star on the door
I want the world nothing less, all the glam and the press
Only giving me the best to use.
I want it all!
I want it, Want it, Want it,
Radio, CD, Music Hall
We want it all!!

Here in the spotlight we shine
Look at who we are
When Broadway knows your name,
You know that you’re a star!

Dance!

I want it, I-I I want it, I want it, I want it,
I-I, I want it, i want it, i want I-I I Want It!

I want It All! I want it, I want it, I want it! (I WANT IT ALLL)
The fame and the fortune and more!
I want it all! I want it, I want it
I gotta have my star on the door
You want the world nothing less
All the glam and the press
Only giving you the best to use.

I WANT IT ALL!
Paris!
London!
Rome!
Toronto!
LA!
Sydney!
Buenos Aires!
Tokyo!
Moscow!
Bollywood!
Hollywood!
New York City!!
We Want It All!!

oh, when you lost something, you cant help it but want it all. (:
especially when you lost someone.

"maybe, it was never meant to be."

2008-11-24T21:58:00.004+08:00

I hate you as much as I hate myself.
okay, the pink is very revolting, but it's still nice. and it was also, to tell a, well let's say, nice message, to a, nice someone.

you really ruined my life. not only my life, a happy day that I was hoping, to be happy, for at least one day.
a perfect day, shattered.
my heart, shattered.
my attitude and treatment of friends and etc., shattered.
all because of that message that you sent.

at least my classmates were there-something that I was looking forward to when I was on the way to the musical. it was fantastic, by the way. yeah, I had my fair share of tears and laughter also during that musical.

when it came to the judy-eleanor scenes, it reminded me of you, of the times we spent together. of almost everything. Madagascar wasn't enough, I thought. so I told you, in four, if not five, simple sentences.

but I got, on the contrary. that means, the opposite. I explained to you because I knew your vocab wasn't that good as I thought.

but I had enough.
I hate you now. I'm going to despise you from now on.
I'm not going to say that ___________, as well. but I can hate you as well now. I hated myself last time. and I have the same feelings right now. I hated myself all along.

you destroyed everything. I knew you were under immense pressure, so why retaliate back when you knew I would retaliate back in return? did you think I would cause even more pressure to you?
I'm dying here also, & can't you see, for once?
I wished I had replied something like, "Fine, I'm sorry but I despise you from now on" or something like that instead of replying with my usual sarcasm tone.
_______________________________________________________________________

okay, enough of messages.
sunday was FUN (: I had this In House Youth Camp for all Youth Volunteers in my mosque. 7 hours was really worth it. I get to make new friends along the way, see some, well, weirdo sides of people as well, and for once, laugh freely, with someone else as well.

we also played some games also. "ZA!"

it was also, an event where, I think, I feel belonged. it was a good chance where I could see people actually, listening to other people's ideas as well.

yep, it was FUN! and I completely agree to have it once every 6 months. (:

an ode for joy turned out to be an ode to death.

is so sweet, is so nice.

2008-11-21T13:37:00.004+08:00

now it's going to be a super, super short post.

but I'm wearing a mask now,
acting like a nobody.

Acid Pops, Abhor. eight o'clock. covAlent and metAllic bonding. AndrA And the bAckbone.

the clue is Above.
(:

literAlly, thAt meAns I blAnk myself to someone close, without thAt person knowing it.

p.s. Happy Super Belated Birthday Ayu!

"why do I keep running from the truth?"

2008-11-20T22:14:00.004+08:00

"but it's all so dark and mysterious,
when the one you want doesnt want you now."
it’s not the first time that Im posting two times. but today I just felt like it.
had squad meeting just now, and I had to say, I complained 24/7 that what, I looked like a kuku, I looked like an idiot. but we were like globetrotters today-went to this place, then this place, then that place and then some ulu place out of nowhere.

-at this point, my brother is rolling on the floor laughing, rofl. bah.-

anyway, no digressing. first we decided to go somewhere to eat, but then we split up, apparently because SOME people wanted to go pp macs and SOME OTHER people wanted to go Toa Payoh. so in the end, followed my heart and went to toa payoh, tragically.

lots of tragic and hurting stuff along the way happened.

but I must say, suka and rosa'a bimboness today was fun and funny. (weirdo and random but yeah.) and to suka, thanks for wiping the chocolate from my skirt which, unfortunately, literally “dripped” all over my skirt. thanks by the way.

naughty corner, naughty corner! that was what amirah kept saying to them all the time. but mostly it was suka and rosa that well, let’s just say forget my problems for the time being. and we took down some prices for the food as well, so yeah.

I can tell you straight in the face, stupid _____. that (put in your own curse words) event destroyed my whole entire half-a-year plan. from a destroyed birthday present, to a painful experience, to an entire schedule changed, it sucks, I tell you.

being secluded is one thing. being estranged, is another thing. that was what I learnt today. from being both secluded AND estranged. and another thing that I learnt from today, sometimes, shutting up is really the best solution after all.

playing badminton with priyanka, krittika, their sis and my neighbour's sister (a really good friend of mine) kind of made me happy for a while. it was like, a typical Singaporean would say "going back to roots." you hang out with someone new, forgetting all the people who were involved in your past. but now that that someone new you've been hanging out with for the past 1 half years is no longer there, you wished you could go back.

it's a true story because that was what happened to me.

and right now as I'm typing this post, I still remembered the operation 0000 hours, when we wanted to know how "other people" would react to us if we stepped out of the way.

the most, most hurtful part was when we skipped down the 2C-2M corridor. holding hands, somemore, and laughing at the same time. and that was the CRUCIAL, crucial moment that made me felt like I was belonged. I was at least, a FRIEND. and now that I think of it, I dont know how to erase that off.

I'm sorry, but nothing can come out but tears, of sadness, remorse. tears of the happy moments we had together, tears of the times we spent together.

because I just realized, our 1 half year friendship was the sweetest, that I had.

air heart.

2008-11-20T10:09:00.004+08:00

to open up your heart, is hard.
to even show your heart, is harder.
uh.

slap face slap face.

you know I missed 2 events in 1 week! well actually 2 events in 1 week but I went for another one on monday. ~speechless~-yeah I know. right now, as you're sitting on that seat of yours as your eyes are fixed on this post, you would be like, uh, "what?"

by the looks of it, suka's party and the squad outing is SO FUN; the stupid thing is that my presence wasn't there. damn.

(I curse alot, by the way.)

but on monday, I went for my dad's National Day Awards prixe presentation. and the food was SUPER NICE-they had lots and lots of desserts, like raspberry tarts and strawberry cakes and shrimp with caviar, you know that kind of high tea stuff you get. then my uncle said "of course lah! it's a President's event what?"

you know, my phone dropped in the sink drain (the manhole below the sink) and I fished it out with tongs, then wash it only to find out-the water entered the screen and DAMAGED it. my cousin said that it was because of some short circuit caused by the water.

but forget about it because I cant do anything about it now and I have to get a new one. maybe the Nokia 5320 Xpress Music? it looks nice, has the standard 3.5mm headphone jack so I can plug almost ANY earphone in it.

oh, right. Im going to Indonesia on 30th-that's around 7 days from now. and I have to leave almost everything back. typically you can spend like, around 1 whole day doing nothing but play? it's like Oscar staying in his garbage can 24/7.

I found this QUITE funny video from some website. which I found out, was a Just For Laughs video.

I really miss my primary school-(yeah I know it's RANDOM, but still.) and one thing that I can still remember is the excursion in P6-when kui yan called vivian "vivace". typically because she learns piano and vivace, means:

Vivace is used as an Italian musical term indicating a movement that is in a lively mood (and so usually in a fast tempo.)

I guess you COULD call vivian lively. then there was the time when I accidentally punched ramya's nose. sorry, wherever you are in India now! and hanging out together-lina, vivian, ramya, kui yan and me, it was fun being together, and well, I havent really attended any reunions yet excepts for the traditional oh-lets-go-watch-a-movie-together. (that was occasional as well.) I should free up some time. and the tons of Neoprints. TONS! the floorball game with Ministers (I'm serious), grad nite, uh...well, there's a lot to say about experiences in my primary school.
but I missed being a prefect. being a prefect, a Brownie, a Malay Dancer (: (I wonder what are they doing now-heard that they recruited BOYS now. yeah, "What?!?!?")

sometimes, the past comes up to you. it's creepy at times, it's scary at times, but it can be so HAPPY at times.

strangely, I have nothing to say about you this time around. I have no feelings-Im indifferent towards you.

short-out.

2008-11-18T20:36:00.004+08:00

all that glistens is not gold.
you dont glitter anymore. sorry.
(credits to Defenestrated Duck @Deviantart.com for the pic.)
I did a lot, I know you say
I've got to get away.
"The world is not yours for the taking"
Is all you ever say.
I know I'm not the best for you,
But promise that you'll stay.
'Cause if I watch you go,
You'll see me wasting, you'll see me wasting away

'Cause today, you walked out of my life
'Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life.

Goodbyes are meant for lonely people standing in the rain
And no matter where I go it's always pouring all the same.
These streets are filled with memories
Both good for detected pain
And all I wanna do is love you
But I'm the only one to blame.

'Cause today, you walked out of my life
'Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life.

But what do I know, if you're leaving
All you did was stop the bleeding.
But these scars will stay forever,
These scars will stay forever
And these words have no meaning
If we cannot find the feeling
That we held on to together
Try your hardest to remember

Stay with me,
Or watch me bleed,
I need you just to breathe.

'Cause today, you walked out of my life
(stay with me, or watch me bleed)
'Cause today, your words felt like a knife
(I need you just to breathe.)
I'm not living this life

it's a short life.
and I hope, that you who sees this, realizes it.

"no answer."

2008-11-15T23:16:00.004+08:00

some pathway to nowhere.
or does it lead to you?
I just realized something. it’s quite scary, as you’re walking back home in late night, all the lights flicker, flicker and goes pop. and there’s no more light there in that particular bulb you were just gazing. it’s scary, and it’s so much harder to breathe.

because that light, for some apparent reason, reminded me of someone.

hm, first, bye and see you SOON to uh, a good friend of mine who’s overseas now. I guessed where she was going (: before she even told me. yay. and it was always so dangerous to tell the secret, but I found out, it’s even harder to keep it.

its like the light, flicker flicker and pop.

yesterday, uh I had camp group meeting...which was “fruitful.” things are going well. very well. although there were distractions, (uh SOME PEOPLE ah, were the distraction.) oh really, nothing much to say about today! (except that next time there’s a meeting, I shall wear my French football national team t-shirt that I bought from Malaysia.)

today was exhausting. and it was also the first time that I had 5 drinks in my stomach consecutively. coke, lemon tea, water, milk tea and milo. uh, wait, there’s a burger, fries, sandwich and my lunch. then later in the night, add hor fun with chicken. best.

FAC. its okay, its okay. ok? it’s our turn next year and it’s quite frightening, seeing how much we have to step up. then went back home with sarang, and I found out there was a direct bus from sengkang to khatib, 85, but she wanted to take mrt. so I went like “I want take bus!” and of course, her response was “No, take MRT with me!” in the end I found out a solution, that was to bring her all the way to MRT station, then go back all the way and take 85.

oh, I just realized that I want a new thing :you know those kind of biker gloves that don’t cover your fingers? I think they’re kind of cool. and I found them at a Harley Davidson store at Takashimaya. yay. but I didn’t buy them of course, just window shopping.

but this time, it was a promise. and a true one. although the marks were there, now I regretted it. you lost your spunk, your retarded-ness, your bubbly attitude, your “kick”, all because of this. and now, all your blog posts always end with full stop. no exclaimation marks.

it used to remind me of the time when I tried to eschew myself from smiling, laughing and stuff like that.

but now, I can’t breathe properly again. without you around. it’s so hard to even breathe normally.

when life gives you a thousand reasons to cry, show that you have a million reasons to smile.

2008-11-13T20:17:00.003+08:00

suspended land-where I can breathe freely.
but sometimes, its affected by you.
okay, I havent been really updating this blog, have I? so basically I dont really know when to start. bleh.

I know today, 11/24 RCY contacts I added WERE ONLINE! that's ALOT, compared to other days. not much to blog today, anyway. except that these days, uh, I've been well, "honing" my "artistic skills". some people can see the example if they look in the direction of the sky (: yeah, its a riddle.

and I talked to rosa again, a few days ago. sometimes I still cant trust anyone because I thought that everyone does not mean what they say-in other words, broken promises. but I learnt quite alot from her, from all those past conversations with her. unfortunately, it means even more that I ______. (f.y.i, some people know that phrase.)

oh, tried designing another pic again, after god-knows-how-long. and this time I finally managed to NOT make the picture blur! you have to shrink the pic FIRST, before adding it as a layer to the xcf file. and not adding the ACTUAL SIZE of the pic to the xcf file THEN shrink the file. of course it will be blur then. oh my, I just realized, I just realized.

watching I Survived A Japanese Game Show now and Meaghan came in first!! although she's a blonde but well, yeah. at least a GIRL made it (: and dont you think that rope burns heal quite fast? and a BIG, BIG cough to someone who I currently am talking to. COUGH, COUGH!

Heather-thanks for the compliment, to saren also. especially to Heather and Rosa. bolding my name kind of puts a smile on my face.

watched Madagascar 2 today! it was much, much better than the previous one. and there's a relationship that is a SURPRISE, I dont think people would even believe it. when Alex went to unclog the river to allow water to flow to the watering hole, he sent a message to Marty who was in the middle of like, one thousand one hundred zebras. and I started crying (yes, in the CINEMA) because well, it reminded me of someone, a good good friend of mine, and I lost her.

and it's so distant. and I dont know how to survive. I didn't have any encouragement either from her.

I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you when you wanted me to. and I know, now what is left, is all my fault. but I want to tell you, no matter how many marilyn-es are there in the world, no matter how you look, how you behave, you're one in a million.

dots.

2008-11-07T21:17:00.005+08:00

bubbly does not equal to crazy. so does hatred not being equal to indifference.
I got a piece, or rather, words of wisdom, from one of my dear friends. that the opposite of Love is NOT hatred, but rather Indifference. it was sort of a small light, it might be teeny weeny small, but it's still a light. that when you dont love someone, you are indifferent towards him or her, you have no feelings at all towards that person.

today there was Talentime practice, like Heather said, we broke the ice today. sitting under the HDB block might be very weirdo, but for some apparent reason (again), I feel comfortable. and thanks shabrina for the compliment (: and I love your flip flops also. and this time, I felt more confident, more assured we can be guaranteed ______________. oh, I managed to stuff 3 Milo plastic "drink containers" or whatever they were called (I forgotten the name!) together with 4 straws-I wonder where the 4th straw came from. unless...

never mind.

well, also there was ghost stories-oh man, they remind me of my primary school and my P4 NE Immersion Camp. we were so afraid to go to the 4th level at 9pm to bathe because myth has it that the 4th level toilet is the MOST haunted of all the toilets in the school. I just kept my mouth shut-I dont know any ghost stories about Cedar until now! childhood deprived, AGAIN.

and for the benefit of Theresa, here are Kimi Raikkonen pics when he was young.

okay this one is when he was on a go kart...

that one when he was VERY young-so CUTE! but well, the expression on his face, er...

and that one when he won a go kart competition, I think.

I only managed to upload 3 out of the 25 photos of him when he was young. I cant upload ALL of the photos, right?

oh, my hair is a disaster again-all because of the Selenium they put in the shampoo, now I look like the next, er...I dont know what to describe it, all I know is that its a DISASTER.

fading memory of a green and blue converse. again, please dont accuse me of going away if you dont make the first move, which I was waiting again and again, time after time.

but you didnt.

it's so hard.

2008-11-06T20:35:00.002+08:00

sometimes, it takes more than guts to have courage.
I dont know why, I don’t really like Thursdays. not all the time, but most of the time. I sort of reflected the most today, about almost everything. and guess what, I was on the brink to turn back into that bloody road again. then I said NO but sometimes, as I read from a book, something like “put your heart before your head.”

so first, summing up the events, had squad meeting today. we finally did something pretty much productive, obviously. aside from the fact that the twine was tangled in my hands. yay! AT LEAST, finally I think yu jie can be QUITE satisfied-not fully satisfied, but QUITE-man, I pity her, she keep saying “eh stop wasting your time and hurry up!” or other variations of that. we owe her a nice apology, especially from me!

then had cadet-link activity, for once I can laugh FREELY. 2I people were super funny, especially Jes with her Indian accent and when she said the motto. (I forgotten it now, but still.) I think she got squashed up in the bus though, when she swopped places with me in the bus on the return journey.

and I went back home with a distant friend. do you like it now, are you satisfied? I’m so sorry, but everyone is neutral now, including. I had enough, I finally managed to say. I’m sorry, but what you said about me behind my back, does NOT follow the laws of TRUTH, just so you know.

came back and I had PIZZA! the oh-so-wonderful-sausage-cheese-tomato-sauce-pizza-base-homemade pizza. and I cried again, over a computer game of Mahjong Titans. its hard to tell the reason.

and for that reason, sometimes I want to go back again.

this time, I don’t think she will bother because she doesn’t care. so why bother about her bothering when she doesn’t bother? whoa, that was a mouthful.

and yes Theresa, KIMI RAIKKONEN ROCKS. (:

Anytime, anywhere, anyplace
You could be anyone today
Maybe I would recognize you On a crowded street

Maybe you'll take me by surprise
Will you be the one I had in mind

There'll come a day
When you'll walk out of my dreams
Face to face
Like I'm imagining
Baby how can I be sure
That you're the one I'm waiting for
Will you be unmistakable

Unmistakable

People say we're watching our lives
Through a glass
Desperately waiting on a chance
I know you're out there
Holding on, holding out for me

How are we to know the time is right
What if you're here and I'm just blind

There'll come a day
When you'll walk out of my dreams
Face to face
Like I'm imagining
Baby how can I be sure
That you're the one I'm waiting for
Will you be unmistakable

How can I know a song I never heard
How will I know your voice
When you haven't said a word

How do I know how this will end
Before we begin

Before we begin

There'll come a day
When you walk out of my dreams

Face to face (face to face)
Like I'm imagining (Like I'm imagining)
Baby, how can I be sure (how can I be sure)
That you're the one I'm waiting for (You're the one I'm waiting for)
Will you be (will you be)
Will you be (will you be)

Unmistakable
Unmistakable

catagelophobia.

2008-11-01T22:09:00.006+08:00

sometimes, the solution can be the opposite of what you think.

oh, yesterday I went out with anita to watch HSM 3! and I seem to be the only stranger to like Kelsi until just now when I found out that Anita likes her also (: the plot is okay lah, can be understood. but why did Troy choose a university that is exactly 32.7 miles away from Stanford? what is the significance of the number? I wonder why, I wonder why.

I especially liked the song A Night To Remember, the scene because yes, (especially the guys who looked VERY swaku with high socks and shiny boots), its nice lah, they really showed the true essence of a MUSICAL.
after that, went to KFC to get popcorn chicken for my younger brother, to the food court to get carrot cake for my mum (I thought I said tapao, the seller never listen! ah, never mind.)and then had lunch with her at New York Pizza-they didnt have lasagna OR Hudson Fish and Fries, so had to do with Liberty Red Spaghetti. well, sometimes, in desperate situations, you have to come up with desperate decisions. and of course, went back HOME.

stupid, I wanted to watch Prisoner of Azkaban but my brother insisted on watching Open Season instead. in the end I managed to watch MY movie first. HA! okay, I think that sounds very evil. but well, I cant change. I admit it, these kind of things make part of my happiness.

AMIRAH!!! alamak, I cannot find your picture ): and I'm currently trying to find it now, because I realized that I took it out of my Kamus Dewan and put it SOMEWHERE,(but I'm sure its SOMEWHERE in my room.) when I find your K2 photo I'll DEFINETELY post it. man, we havent talked to each to other for SO LONG, especially during Malay Dance pratices in primary school. (:

this time, this song is for ALL people who feels down because they're missing something, something which left them, a FRIEND.

SIND3NTOSCA-KEPOMPONG

Dulu kita sahabat
Dengan begitu hangat
Mengalahkan sinar mentari

Dulu kita sahabat
Berteman bagai ulat
Berharap jadi kupu-kupu

Kini kita berjalan berjauh-jauhan
Kau jauhi diriku karena sesuatu
Mungkin ku terlalu bertindak kejauhan
Namun itu karena ku sayang

Persahabatan bagai kepompong
Mengubah ulat menjadi kupu-kupu
Persahabatan bagai kepompong
Hal yang tak mudah berubah jadi indah
Persahabatan bagai kepompong
Maklumi teman hadapi perbedaan
(translation in English can be found by copying the entire lyrics and pasting it into translate.google.com.

sometimes, it takes alot of courage to approach a friend and tell something. it takes even more courage to make a decision in front of the friend. but it takes more and more courage to even MAKE a decision. and both of us made one. but tell me something, MARILYN,
was that what you wished to be in the future when you were thinking about it?
was that what you wanted?

dedications.

2008-10-31T14:31:00.010+08:00

and I don't know when I'll keep another promise again;

okay, I decided to dedicate 2 songs to some people in this post.
1. BACKSTREET BOYS-ANY OTHER WAY

There you go caught you crashing my dreams again
Just when I'm trying to get over you
I tell my heart but I can't seem to comprehend
A day without you

Now you've carved out a life
But I wear the scars
Reminding me by the hour
That it's time to accept
that's the way things are
I wish I could but

I can't imagine it any other way
A world without you is only wasted space
You're gone and I'll always wonder
Why it can't be any other way
Any other way

Since you drained all the color out of the sky
How am I supposed to feel?
It's like I'm living in somebody else's life
Tell me it's not real

I can't imagine it any other way
A world without you is only wasted space
You're gone and I'll always wonder
Why it can't be any other way
Any other way

I can't imagine it any other way
A world without you is only wasted space
You're gone and I'll always wonder
Why it can't be any other way
Any other way

Like we never had a falling out
Like the tears had never hit the ground
Like you're still here
You're still here

Since you drained all the
color out of the sky

I can't imagine it any other way
A world without you is only wasted space
You're gone and I'll always wonder
Why it can't be any other way
Any other way

I can't imagine it any other way
A world without you is only wasted space
You're gone and I'll always wonder
Why it can't be any other way
Any other way

first, this song is for someone, who I hope that someday, she can apologize for the CORRECT thing, and someday, she can open her eyes and realize that NOBODY'S PERFECT. also, for her to realize that pushing all the blame to me is something gravely, gravely wrong. and also, why did she do this to me?
sometimes, I regretted it. but now, I don't, really.

2. BACKSTREET BOYS-INCOMPLETE

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you, within me I can find no rest
Where I'm going is anybody's guess

I try to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is, incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It's written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake

I try to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is, incomplete

I don't mean to drag it on
But I can't seem to let you go
I don't wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go

I try to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you what I'm going to be is,incomplete

Incomplete.

to the same person also. please, I think you have a few screws off your head. come, let me bang the screws off your head. what is WRONG with you? and I remembered recommending this song, to someone recently for her to listen. its a great way to relieve some stress off when its so hard to simply LET GO.

ah, today was FUN (: all I can say is that we get to be in charge. hopefully, we can be the best and bubbly batch.
and waking up Anita on the bus is SO HARD, I have to shake her "violently." I also had a craving for popcorn chicken with cheese sauce and mayo (yum yum) so, well, since I had enough money, decided to buy 1 cup. man, I feel so guilty that me and Anita were eating in front of Priyanka without even offering her any D: sorry!

watching Seconds From Disaster. oh, that reminds me of you again :D especially when I missed the Kobe earthquake episode and you said "oh I missed that also!" or something like that.

oh, I realized that Columbia Pictures is going to make Angels and Demons a MOVIE! and they are going to release it next year, May 15th. that's WAY LONG..but isnt a good wait good? all that suspense? Tom Hanks is playing Robert Langdon again, Ayelet Zurer as Vittoria Vetra, and EWAN MCGREGOR as the camerlengo? that's dangerous, there's one scene where he has to stand on the rooftop of St Peter's Basilica because he thinks he is God's most faithful servant.

and yes, in the book, lots of people think the camerlengo is NUTS. but in the end, they pray along with him.

today was the first day, trying to survive without your presence. and, happy to say, it was quite successful. and passing notes to xin yi was (:(:(:. (sadistic AGAIN.) and I still want that glimmer of hope that someday, instead, you would CHANGE, instead of me often being asked to change. nope, I'm not going to debate about the same thing OVER and OVER again. but just a warning, if you find out that what you have done to me, and when you finally realized that it was VERY WRONG to push the blame on me, unfortunately, I'M NOT GOING BACK.

and to another person, THANKS A MILLION, DEAR SQUADMATE. you help me alot, trying to stray me off the path, which was successful (: and somehow, I knew that I can count on you. and I knew, that among the thousands of doubtful people out there, I could TRUST YOU.

FRESH AIR. (: remember?
THANKS ROSALIND.

silvery clouds.

2008-10-30T10:43:00.004+08:00

float like a goldfish trapped in the bowl.
and I'll feel lonely.
but it's okay, for my wound can never be healed.
just came back from my piano class-as usual, the Mozart piece was terrible, but that was because I didn't catch up with the tempo, simply because it was too fast! it was 120, for each crochet, how are you suuposed to play that fast?
couldn't make it to the squad meeting today, because my mum grounded me. AGAIN. whereas I wanted to play the spider web again, like last time. well, now, because of this, I'm not really sure if that can happen again.
I wonder what are they doing now.

Google Image Search is VERY random. I wanted to find some pictures and graphics of Peterpan, (the band, NOT the cartoon character), and somewhere among the results was a pic of Enrique Iglesias. like, so random! How is he linked/related/associated/whatever to Peterpan? hm, shall go to the link and find out.

this post is going to be very short. so beware.

and yesterday, while washing the dishes, I cant help it but breakdown again. something is affecting me, emotionally and mentally. and I thought it was you at first, which in the end turned out to be you. then, you called, and more shockers came. I started to doubt everything, from even the closest friend to the entire squad. who is lying, who is not? and whoever is lying, why? is it because fate wanted this pat to be very strayed off from the main path? is it because you wated to frame me for something? whoever it is, let me tell you something-it HURTS, once more, over again. but this time, I GIVE UP.
I throw my towel in, I give up.
I can go to IMH, anytime.
because
I GIVE UP.

thinking of the past, I missed you alot. even though we're not that close, but yes, I can still remember the times we took long, dwindling paths to go to MT class to waste time (sadistic again, but never mind.), the times when I said "oh I need to go pass that class again" and you would say "alamak, lagi?", when we played stress with Pei Sin, (the never ending one until we completely didnt go for recess), when I would blabber some random Indonesian thingy to you, whether its the tune of Main Hati by Andra and The Backbone, or the latest episode of OB, no matter what, now I MISS YOU. and this time, I'm waiting for something else. no longer the previous YOU I had been missing.

remember?
Ku akui ku main hati
Ku tak bisa tuk memungkiri
Ku main hati

and thanks, for being there when I was down, for that funny and bubbly side of you, for always trying to pull me off trouble and danger. and this song is for you.

DI BALIK AWAN-PETERPAN

gone.

2008-10-28T21:56:00.002+08:00

okay.
wait, breathe in, out.
slowly, let all the steam come out.
and slowly, stop shaking my thigh.
slowly.

I'm sorry, but everything just happened on the spot. but yes, I know Im at fault this time round. but I cannot wait. just be normal, be myself. be myself.
tomorrow is a fresh new beginning.
a new one.

okay.
I shall take that decision.
slowly, one step at a time. let's CHANGE for the BETTER (:
and I cannot wait for something, hopefully exciting.

diminishing anger.

2008-10-28T21:23:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOEY. a 14th birthday, to be exact.
hope you have a great and fruitful future. and enjoy the rest of your life, and NEVER BE LIKE ME!
(;
hm, I just realized that actually, Im older than quite alot of people.
RANDOM.

questions, questions.

2008-10-28T19:30:00.004+08:00

the joy of playing around.
with LOVE and LAUGHTER in the air.
ah, I just LOVE that picture (: although I couldnt find any playground silhouette vector brushes to download and install into GIMP, at least I made a hand drawn copy of it, and I hope its NICER. because I added a mini playground to it. once again, I LOVE MY MASTERPIECE.

MENGHAPUS JEJAKMU-PETERPAN

I shall shut up on the thrashing session I had just now. no point saying anything if it is just going to hurt other people more. all I can say is that, my views might be different from many other people.

then went to PP macs, with yu jie, teh lian, sarah tan, rosa, saren, rugaiyah, theresa. that sarah tan ah, waste alot of mayonnaise! well actually it was a bit paiseh for me because now only I realize that Macs have Real Mayo sauce. well, you could call me educationally deprived or current afffairs deprived. sorry for that. and I think I was very bad, scooping up almost ALL of sarah tan's mayo sauce also for the french fries! ah, I remember now, theresa was identifying people with french fries, like "oh, this is jesvinder!" or "this is ________" or "eh this one is "________". I felt quite obnoxious because...I dont know...maybe its because I laugh like a crazy person or talk alot and loudly? went to the spider web for the 2nd time in a week, and unfortunately, GUIDES WERE THERE! but who cares anyway. ah, obscenity! and worse, it rained halfway, so well, we played pig power AGAIN. and I just learnt, pair up theresa and rugaiyah together, is equals to noise+noise. practically, they SCREAMED pig power instead of SAYING it.

sarah tan and teh lian were nice people to talk to (: especially on TRAIN RIDES. and teh lian, how come you cannot smell! shall I bring you to the doctor? okay, just joking! and I wanted to sit in the middle but before I knew it, sarah tan already PLACED her butt there first. and I was LAUGHING away like a complete idiot who just lost her mind.

can't wait for tomorrow (: when everyone WILL be there, and there, just to be there.

to quote from someone, its simply confusing because without knowing it, the world is spinning around without us realizing it. I think it helps to quite alot of people who feel that there's alot of stuff happening around without their control.

even though it was over, I still find it hard to breathe. like there's an empty space inside of me. which you left here. and you don't care, if you don't, why cant you just say it just now, that you dont care?
I already realized it already, I just want the words to back up my suspicions. why does it take so long, just to make a decision?
why didn't you say it?
why were you so reluctant, when you knew, that friendship to me is mostly a commitment? something SERIOUS, at times? at the right times?
why is it that you were still NOT CONVINCED?
why is it that it was only 50%? why why why?
WHY?
too many questions, too little time.

I should change, SOON. or make it NOW.
and now I'm trying, hard, to stop being a drama queen. one small step-its a baby step allright, but a step it still is.
but just open your eyes, and see it.

lalala. la.

2008-10-27T13:03:00.009+08:00

are you going to slowly melt away from my life as well?

ooh, I'm a BENEVOLENT DREAMER. sounds AIRY.

haha! okay, hm, I just listened to Bukan Superstar by Project Pop, and the part where Tika says the dialogue is funny! I only found out that duren, is DURIAN, by the way. horrible case of wrong spelling. ah never mind, I suppos they want to "squish" the du-ri-an into du-ren. hope you get it though.
anyway, this is the video. hm, most would not understand it though. never mind.

(hm, f.m.i, or f.y.i., celebs mentioned are: Pasha Ungu, Ariel Peterpan, Mulan Jameela, Giring Nidji, Letto, Glenn Fredly.)
okay, well..today was very boring because all I did was blog, blog, watch TV watch TV, sleep sleep, eat eat. or if I factorize the sentence, it would be 2(blog, watch TV, sleep, eat.) but really, who bothers about factorization anyway?

hm, and a random note to myself: I counted the TONS of smses by Theresa about how much she ADORES KIMI RAIKKONEN (and I can bet her that when she sees this post she WILL start to scream, jump in the sky with joy, and agree with me. just make sure not to injure yourself okay (; if not I wont have anyone else to scream and jump with joy about him.) and I found out, there were 20+ of them! I tell you, she's a SUPER BIG BIG BIG BIG fan of him. (saved his face somemore!) oh yes, and thanks for the compliments when I posted the 16 (I think so) facts about him. hm, you were shocked about the fact when he was actually signed in to Ferrari for replacing Michael Schumacher right? or was it the other one? anyway, hm, not that much of a big deal.

cant wait for tomorrow (: I'm giving them a surprise tomorrow. too bad some people will not be able to make it unfortunately. but 2 people, compared to 23, well...hm, not much of a big deal again right?

oh, I JUST realized that I missed INBOX SCTV D: now lets just hope that the website will post the top 25 songs list a.s.a.p. because I think it changes everyday?

but today, I think something kind of "clicked" in my mind.
when I saw the tag, when I saw the posts.
and I immediately went for a manhunt, for all your traces on other people's blogs.

sometimes, for some apparent reason, I feel sadistic; superior to other people. feel as though I was way better than other people. and that's where my uncontrollable anger begins. but sometimes, after I do all these things, well, I regretted it. and unfortunately, this feeling is coming back again.

I really regretted it. I wished I could have said YES instead of NO to you that time, but unfortunately I said YES and, well, I guess the state that I am is a "balasan" or punishment for the answer.
it really is a wonder, how a YES or NO question can affect you mentally, emotionally and physically.

tick and tick. second after second.

2008-10-26T18:18:00.003+08:00

and sometimes, I try to break the wall down,
but all I got are bruised knuckles.
heyho, thanks to wan ping for recommending this song. because I was finding for one to describe this, well, skipping of a heartbeat. thanks once more (: credits a thousand times to you.

There's nothing I could say to you
Nothing I could ever do to make you see
What you mean to me

All the pain, the tears I cried
Still you never said goodbye and now I know
How far you'd go

I know I let you down
But it's not like that now
This time I'll never let you go

I will be, all that you want
And get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart

All my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day
And make everything okay

I thought that I had everything
I didn't know what life could bring
But now I see, honestly

You're the one thing I got right
The only one I let inside
Now I can breathe, cause you're here with me

And if I let you down
I'll turn it all around
Cause I would never let you go

I will be, all that you want
And get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart

All my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day
And make everything okay

Cause without you I cant sleep
I'm not gonna ever, ever let you leave
You're all I've got, you're all I want
Yeah

And without you I don't know what I'd do
I can never, ever live a day without you
Here with me, do you see,
You're all I need

And I will be, all that you want
And get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart

All my life (my life), I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day
And make everything okay

I will be (I'll be), all that you want
And get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart

And all my life, you know I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day
And make everything okay

hm, I just hope so. I just hope so and open up her eyes someday.
because I'm still waiting.
and I just realized, I've brought up the topic to rosa too much. and I finally, recollected everything, everything Ive sent to her, and made something.
AN APOLOGY.
I'm sorry. and I knew that you deleted your post. I brought up the past, something that someone told me to forget. and I brought it to someone who is already broken inside. and I went to break her up even more.
I'm sorry, for involving you, in everything, in the end, made you disappointed instead of me.
I'm sorry, for forcing you to reveal everything. hm, I was a kaypoh and I can tell you straight in the face. when those that were meant to be secrets, weren't supposed to be revealed.
so now can you accept my apology? I know, I told it countless times before. but I dont think they all were that sincere. but this one, the guts and my own heart say it is. and I hope, someday, you can realize that someone out there is there to CARE.

I dont know why, I didnt call you today. and I wanted to put my fingers on the phone, but something stopped me. and what was the reason for the sudden apology again that you gave me? until now, I still cant find it.
maybe it IS the time to really move on. but it you ever pull me back again, I dont know what to say.
all I know is that, I'm WAITING.

open your eyes. and the dusty windows as well.

2008-10-25T19:04:00.008+08:00

if only sunset was that easy to see.
like wishing for you to appear out of nowhere. to wait for me.
someday...maybe.
hm, wait. I actually have quite alot of things to say because this post spreads over 2 days (and I dont understand why I'm feeling very nervous currently now. tsk. but never mind.)haha, and watching the Mass Dance by Okto based on Madagascar 2 commercial!

Friday which of course was yesterday, or 24/10/08.
okay, had training. well, I keep having constant headaches, I suppose maybe its because of her presence?
then after that, rosa, yu jie, saren, er..ah, rugaiyah, xin yi, suka, teh lian and me went to PP macs. of course it was to discuss the skit but in the end I think the tables were turned around-that is, we did the exact opposite thing! the dumbest thing was it was actually the FIRST TIME I tried Fillet O Fish. gosh, that means I havent eaten that meal for...14 years? (yes I'm being serious.) we then went to the spider's web and everyone practically flung their bags one side and just well, HOPPED on the spider's web and going left right side front back up down...and I was on the TOP (: but very ulu up there, obviously because nobody dared to go up there and my butt was basically covering half of the space up there! but up there was NICE, even managd to take some photos! like this one:

and this one...

hm, I think the photo where everyone was lying on the ropes was nice! but in the end, they complained of stretched necks and aerial views (no wait, I dont think anyone complained of that, did they?)
too bad I had to go early. left with sukaa and xin yi after playing, I think, 6 times of Pig Power. well, actually each time we played we modified the line, like "Rugaiyah is so stupid" or "___________ sucks" or "__________ sucks" and this and that. oh that reminds me! we even created sort of a kind of story using random characters.

and I got a sms from someone I think, I kinda missed for a while. it was strange, "apologizing" in the middle of the night. and I replied, and I didnt get what I wanted.
do people change within a day? I wonder.
and I tried calling you 3 times because of the sms, but you switched off your phone. and I tried calling your house, but you would be away, or not in.
why? are you trying to avoid me again, right after an apology? please, I wanted to know, why didnt you made the first move, when I already made mine and was waiting for you?
and for some apparent reason, I'm still waiting.

TODAYwhich of course is Saturday.
oh, had perjumpaan Hari Raya today at madrasah. but I felt paiseh because I was the oldest child in my brother's van (I HAD to follow him-DAMN embarassing.) quite boring actually-the worse part was that I wanted to eat all the kuih-muih upstairs but then my brother said "the van downstairs already!" so missed the food part. but ended up eating Koka noodles which my grandma gave! NICE :D oh, updated the top 25 indonesian songs list from Inbox SCTV.

and you STILL havent replied. I tried to call you again, but you switched off the phone again. what's wrong? I thought you always checked your phone for messages, and suddenly you "offed" your phone?
I cant help it.
but like someone said.
without you realizing it.
I LOVE YOU.

fresh air.

2008-10-23T18:45:00.004+08:00

I caNT see, your star.
but neither do I care and neither do I see mine either.
but tell me, how big do you think a star is?
ah I just feel like boinging again like just now!! except for the fact that the stupid tie keeps getting in the way.
last day of school. give me time to think. why should all these happen now? why cant it happen 2 weeks later! eveyrthing happens SO FAST. add the separation of my class, the 1Nnergizer and 2Nnchanting 07/08 people, and losing 5 friends, your MT teacher leaving, your former English teacher leaving. God, what else must I face? the truth? the truth is painful, as I found out today.
but, thanks to these people:
YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, and YOU for (I hope) supporting my decision. and I hpe I wont regret it. I dont wish to elaborate it any further. because what's done is done, and I want to move on. as someone said, your world cant revolve around one person, and as another person said, you cant get stuck, you HAVE to move on.
I shall NOT elaborate it any further! nonono, NO amount of pressurization (or pressurisation? dunno?) can make me blurt out the explaination. I have already told the YOUs mentioned in this blog, you want the story, go find out for yourself.
HA!
(by the way, all YOUs were different. and all YOUs were involved somehow into this.)

anyway, I think the most impactful was my class, leaving to go to their own classes next year. I miss yall! and will miss ALL the wonderful memories we had together, starting from makin the motto when we were Sec1s and it fell down D:, to playing a new version of pass the electricity circuit, courtesy of Alicia (: to these people: Aarthi, Anu, Beaunice, Yoo Jin, Jie Wei, Lingyi, Min, Esther, Jerusha, Joey, Pei Sin, Priyanka (and thanks for listening just now, it really helps to remove all the "beban" away,)Lexin, Alicia, Shu Min, Yixuan, Malyatha, (thanks for the valentine's day gift, and hope you ave a wonderful future ahead, in VJC! must remember us ah! bon voyage! T_T)Chermaine, Aliah, Shazwani, Rachel C., Rachel Toh, Sabrina, Sanjana, Selina, Sharon, Tsu Yi, Hui Xian, Celestine, Xin Yi, Qin Yuan, Vanessa, Vijaya, Melinda and Shih Hui!
in dedication to my wonderful class of 07/08:

this was the poster that I designed during the IT lesson. now, thinking about it, ah. what a nice memory. and yoo jin, we ALL forgive you!
what a melancholy day.
then Im going to lose sabrina. tsk. I mean Nur Sabrina of 2P lah, for goodness' sake! like I only know her for 6 months I think and now I cannot see her anymore? and everything was too hard for me to take and I just cried. and almost everyone in the school teared up.
oh I WANT PHOTOSHOP D: like what I said to rosa. shucks ):
anyway, it might be the last, but it might be just the beginning to something new (: you can be a katak di bawah tempurung or in English it means a frog under a coconut shell. I must see, open my eyes BIGBIG and see the outside world. who knows, it might be better than the closest atmosphere around me!

all I have to say about one person is that,she has turned drastically. I thought she hated bimbos, now she herself has turned into one. haha, now that I found evidence, I shall show someone close tomorrow. she thinks she has made some popular friends when deep in their hearts, they dont like her. she just wants to get attention. like what priyanka said, she just want to suck up.
and I hate it.

all I know is that there's mixed emotions nowadays, like what I said about, agaration, 15 months ago.

lightning and thunder.

2008-10-22T18:27:00.005+08:00

guess how much tears I shed today, as many as the drops on the window pane lay.
and I just completely forgotten. the reason why I destroyed your birthday was because:
I didnt say Happy Birthday.
and best of all was that it was more than 7 days ago. how could I be such a complete idiot? so:
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY TO YOU.
and its only 6 hours since it passed. I brought it up because I had ENOUGH of the pain. it's too much for me to take already, if I wanted to change. hopefully I did.
and now, hopefully you had noticed.
I hope you enjoyed your present, the one I gave you on morning assembly. and I should be sorry instead. I sould be sorry for causing trouble without me knowing it. and I am really sorry.
______________________________________________________________________________
okay. today, maybe, it would be the 2nd time. but thanks to:
YOU, who was one of the first to pat me on the back and console me.
YOU, who was the subordinate and tensed both sides down. you were VERY ESSENTIAL.
YOU, who helped me just with your presence.
YOU, YOU, YOU!, who explained EVERYTHING to both of us and gave support and advice.
YOU, who helped also with your presence and your answer to my question.
YOU, who finally forgive me after Friday (and hopefully we can forget the past.)
YOU, who gave both of us comfort, answering questions from both sides and explaining everything
YOU, who came up with a solution and tried to resolve the problem. VERY ESSENTIAL AS WELL.
YOU, who tried to resolve the problem as well, and giving advice as well!
YOU, who gave humour along with one more person.
YOU, who made everyone aware of my own problem so that everyone will know and understand.
YOU, who said not to worry about wetting your blouse. and comforting me also.
YOU, who comforted both sides and explained everything to both of us.
YOU, who helped simply by being there.
YOU, who gave humour to the situation. haha!
YOU, who even though were scared to say something, but Im sure deep in your heart you were there for us as well. and I hope you will be aware now.
YOU, who in the end broke down as well but your presence was greatly appreciated there.
YOU ALL WERE VERY ESSENTIAL TODAY.
and finally, YOU, YOU who were there, YOU who explained everything and now I can understand, YOU who wanted questions and I tried my very best to answer them, YOU who I hoped can be back together again, YOU who is scared that I wouldnt change. but I tried my very best, YOU. and someday, maybe, we can float some balloons up in the air and let our problems fly away. to YOU, I'm very sorry for everything that I have done to you. and my moves towards YOU, my attitude towards YOU, I'm really sorry also for that...and I wanted to change and tried as well. and now, you helped me, now I want to help you.

now if you could only consent. but when?

I'm still waiting.
(oh just in case you wanted to know, all YOUs are different, except for the YOU in the last paragraph.)

list.

2008-10-20T19:28:00.005+08:00

lost in something. but what...?
you know, most of the time I feel confused. I can have, 2 feelings at one time. some joy, little bit of anger, dollop of sadness, handful of panic, etc.
but I'm not sure about today.

I've deleted the previous post for a reason, which of course, I can't really open up everything. but it was quite good, talking to some people, knowing that there's always someone out there, only that I'm so dumb to not even open my eyes because the solution can be in front of your nose, as anita once said on the way back home.
even though it hurts sometimes, at least I have my doodling cushion for me to doodle anything on. I hope there's enough space though.

oh I love you doodling cushion...

and today, thanks to sabrina and jie wei for being the best conversationers today during the ASEAN thingy. and spurring me to run up to the mike. which was a benefit.
and to you, to YOU who every night would come and talk to me about my problems and somehow, I think, made me forget. who tried so hard to pull me out. and also reminded me of something. I hope you know who you are.

and another YOU, even thought it was very random and I was scared at first, but it was enriching as well.

but I still felt that I was irritating. how can two of my closest friends just leave me alone that way? I didnt find any fun today save for playing Stress and Cheat. and great, now I have a headache. thanks to you too. especially one of you. I thought you were the best friend I had ever had after friday. but today, you completely forgotten about me and just laughed at other people's jokes but NEVER, once, about mine. and strange, wasnt it? I had to find the answer from anita herself.

why is it so sour?
why am I a product of double crossing?
why must I be involved in your problems, cant you solve them on your own?
you pushed the fire. and now you must say sorry because I have simply done a very terrible terrible mistake. to some people.
and look what I have done now, I have not only lost you, but them as well, and now what? I only have anita isit?
no, I have lots of friends more.
please, stop this backstabbing of me. I really mean it.

and YOU! thanks alot, for talking me, from 7 pm to 10 pm, I think, helping me pick myself up, trying to find my foundations back and assuring me, picking me out from the dumps. and I really owed a debt for you because you troubled yourself to come all this way. and I dont know, how to make it up for you because I accused you wrongly. and I am really sorry. I think, maybe you can safely put the blame on me this time round. and Im sure you would agree. just to let you know, the FIRST EVER YOU that I mentioned in ths post is the same person as the YOU I mentioned in this paragraph.

red flowers on a patch of skin.

2008-10-19T16:34:00.004+08:00

today I walked under the rain, drenched and ended up with a headache.
maybe tomorrow it will be the same thing again.
full of regret and remorse.
and only if you could hear me now, there, down under.
hmm, today I waited for a reply when you smsed in the night. until now, I still havent got an answer. and all I had to do the whole day was stare at the blooming flower on the hand picture on my phone (it was a wallpaper.) I think I was on the verge of crying, except that you dont know, because I suppose you must be idling about, twiddling your thumbs, or having hot tea and cakes with your very good friend, or worshipping your own bed by sleeping on it.
still.
should I dao the rest from now on? yesterday, you gave me an explaination which I had expected 4 hours ago. "oh, everybody also what." then I'm an ordinary case is it? failing which, you didnt even acknowledge me as a friend, let alone an ACQUAINTANCE. maybe what, lets come to a reasonable agreement, lets just stay away from each other, I dont call you a friend or acquaitance, and you also. if you say it's unfair, too bad to you. (how can I miss the darn letter T?)
because unfortunately, you covered everything with some story you cooked up in that melting pot of yours, expecting me to believe but it was all simply too transparent to see through.
and then again, there comes the regret part. I dont know why, every step I made, every sound I utter, every thing I held, I'll regret it. then I'll wonder, oh, why do I have to do it? why, when it now causes so much trouble and pain? and I wonder why I felt this way. was it simply my ordinary self? if so, what can I do to change? everyone's always asking me to change. then what should I do?
then again, I shouldn't be asking you this question. I should be the one to find out for myself. now I shall bite my lip and find out the answers to the questions I've been wanting for the answers.

bite bite bite and sooner, it will turn red.

explanation NOT accepted.

2008-10-18T21:28:00.005+08:00

the thorns of the rose pierces into the skin as betrayal comes in.
how could you do this to me, ever since I trusted you?
(credits to Erica P. for the image.)
I think, someone betrayed to me, someone so close, someone I trusted for 14 years.
no, make that the fact is that someone DID betray me.
sometimes, it just hurts to hear those comments, no? and it tasted more sour that my broken friendship with a particular someone. and now, I wanted to avoid you from now on, to dao you, to ignore you and to not go home with you.
you lied to me twice and cooked up a story just to cover it. I know, because I ASKED.
liar and betrayer.
liar and betrayer.
liar and betrayer...
and for some apparent reason, I just cried AGAIN.
I dont know, are my actions that bad? am I going to be emo again? something tells me to. but my alter ego prevents me, for some apparent reason. we had a quarreling last night. and the problem still wasnt solved.
what will she think? ah, I'll visit her. anyway, continuing from the story.
oh I just so hate people who dont give elaborations.
I really hate it.
that's al I have to say.

good, I shall just sit hear, looking at every word that you typed on the MSN converstion and I bet you, you will take a gazillion years to apologize. and by the time you realiezd it, it will be TOO LATE.
just to let you know, I have got a heart.

hot iron.

2008-10-17T18:37:00.002+08:00

oh no, I cannot be the drama queen I used to be.
but then, why should I care?
Im simply, not going to say anything today again.
Im just going to reflect on myself and see what's wrong. for the time being while I am in my own world, I will work down the black market and dig inside your hearts.
I am a heart-digger.
like my closest friend said, everything is happening under my nose. and well, you can't judge a book by its cover.
no more shifus and no more pigs.
no more bubble teas and no more candies (except for lollipops.)
Im turning away and walk away, to stare at a fake wall of HIs and waves.
Im turning to a better life, to sweep all the dirt under the carpet (maybe).
no more crying, to fight back the tears.

no more trusting you.

hello pig. bye pig.

2008-10-15T19:57:00.004+08:00

for once, maybe,
I found the strength I needed to be happy.
for onec, I think, I finally managed to be happy today, especially before trng and after trng. and I found someone that I can finally confide my problems to. meet my new SHIFU. hello. with her, somehow, maybe, I might be able to pull myself up from the drowning of my sorrows. and somehow forget the past as well. (not really because after watching the ending of Corpse Bride, I just simply broke down, thinking of you over the mirror, watching you walk away with someone else and the result was not only sore eyes but also a very painful headache on one side.) but at least I can remove some of the burden away.
even more better was that I found a new group of good friends, who hopefully, in the next few months, can be further bonded. (pigging out maybe?(:)and even my own "brother" was included. which, of course, somehow boosts spirits (it's just that it was not that obvious.) and with the "elite", or th "creme de la creme" or "cream of the crop" mostly gone because of COALS, maybe this is the perfect opportunity to bond more and prove ourselves to some people.
its the chance, pigs!
I don't understand one thing though, why didnt you open your birthday present early in the morning? you simply marched off to talk to your friends. I took a damn 9 days to crate the present and all you do is that you never, even once, gave me a smile after that. maybe, let me see what happens after everything ends, whether you will forget your roots or simply be the same as you were before.
I cant do anything anymore. sorry once more.
but its truly the end.
Ive gone to live a piggy life now with my shifu.

ABC and a blue tick.

2008-10-14T21:52:00.004+08:00

apples keep the doctor away.
will it keep you away as well from my heart?

good! even though we didnt do that much during French, but I think its good talking about school and family background (: no? hmm, Madame Tse was shocked when I told her my grandma was Portuguese, my grandpa was Indian, my mum Indonesian and my cousin married to an American (WHICH IS TRUE). its good to let out what you are feeling currently now (: and we wanted to watch Taitou which was a french movie but the CD wouldnt work (bah) but maybe one day Ill watch it. HAHA, its VERY FUNNY.

then went back home, had lunch, returned the plain t to priyanka, then went back home, on computer, blablabla. I think the fun part was when yu jie and kept changing dps from some smiley to "Theresa is a pig" which sometimes I think its bad to say but Never mind! now it reads "Hello yu jie! I love ducks (but theresa is a pig.) then hers was, I think "Hello azri! I like pigs!" or something like that lah!

aargh.
you know COALS kind of destroyed my plans for an activity tomorrow? I wanted to meet up with someone regarding something then she said that she has some COALS meeting. wth. but never mind, just need to remember that I need to bring a roll of ribbon and 1 heart card.

oh, my handphone battery died. best.

still. well, someone forget to bring something today. oh, its okay. except for the fact that you made me a paiseh in front of everyone.
good, my heart sank. I can feel it JUST...behind my throat.
waiting for Avatar, Corpse Bride, HSM3, Sing To The Dawn, The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader.

its now sick. I have fallen sick now because of you.
raelly sorry again, but for once, I agree with someone.

100 bucks is enough, I think.

2008-10-13T19:29:00.007+08:00

impending doom of happiness.

oh, now I think that playing STRESS with Uno cards really relieves my stress. hmm, today I attempted triple stress (: first with sanjana, xin yi then later in the day was me, priyanka and aarthi (and yes, to you both, thanks for comforting me when I cried in the class, really made my day. and YES, I LOVE THE FERRERO ROCHER that Aarthi gave to me which I gulped in one go and including the nut-something that I used to hate but now, not so.)

everyone deserves the candy dinosaurs.
compliments.
okay, that includes you all.
oh wait, that reminds me, the candy dinosaurs have already finished ): shall go and buy another packet while eating and digesting the painful memories I had with that someone. ah, they finished in 1 week.

my eschewing didnt turn out to work. that's because exclaimation marks can mean overloading joy or shouting. so if I dont use, then people will think that I am a very, (honestly speaking,) boring person. my stoning didnt work either, because of the VERY IRRITATING pack of Uno cards which I used to play either: Uno, Stress or Cheat. hmm, but I did stone when I went back home.

ah, I finally used the word aye after about 2 weeks.

then...

oh, the Girl to Girl talk, I couldnt see the lecturer most of the time because Shih Hui's head kept partially blocking most of the time (not all) but nah, its okay. one day I want to grow up as tall as her-she's damn tall okay! that means must drink lost and lots of milk and take lots and lots of CALCIUM.

one thing's that's pestering my mind is the birthday present that Im currently doing for that person. I stained my hands countless of times with the permanent marker because I had to colour the "dead" tree which has in my opinion thousands of branches then I have to think of what am I supposed to write since that person and I are no more and for some apparent reason I sometimes hate her but by right I miss her alot like really alot but she doesn't realize it and that all that I know is that she's being ignorant and changed ever since we are no longer what we are in the past and tomorrow she's going to pass me something which I feel that Im going to throw it down the drain because everything inside is another of another of another of another painful memory. whew, that was a long sentence.

-quick gulp of water.-

okay, continuing. life's been slowly crumbling down, and everytime I pass by your class, I will find some way to avoid it, for some apparent reason. (which I think people now think Im strange, refusing to go pass the 2nd level corridor.) and everytime I see a blue and green converse sling bag, I will try to avoid it and go somewhere. but I often wonder, why do I always play Houki Boushi on the piano at school when I know that it hurts, why do I always miss buses and trains just to be with you when in fact I can't, why do I constantly stare at your blog for 3 hours although the posts were not too long not too short and view it as the last trace of you when in fact I shouldn't be doing it in the first place?
I wonder why.

-hmm, thanks rosa for helping me and for EVERYTHING. even though I am still the same person everyday, you will always try to drag me into the sunlight (silau, people say,)no matter what. and you advised me on stuff which I cant solve, such as the problem Im having currently right now. and for all those cheer up messages. (:-

something different

2008-10-11T15:44:00.002+08:00

hmm. today was my school's open house, so yeah, because I was in UG, so have to be involved also. I had to do drills with squadmates lah, basically. this year's open house, actually quite a lot of people came today compared to the previous years! and the goodie bag was also much better than the goodie bag they gave last time for my batch. or cohort, or whatever. but I kinda admit it, it was FUN! I mean we get to like, "show off" our stuff, or strut our stuff as modelling world would prefer calling it. and teh lian, dont freak out much okay?

nothing else much to say lah, except that I went swimming with Priyanka today, did some "stunts"(she claimed it was stunts but I think its just plain exaggerated swimming moves...) okay, back to the story. hmm, didnt manage to see anyone familiar, except that I am VERY sure I almost lost my breath 5 times today just to shock her. nothing much to say about this point then because no big deal!

its really HURTS just to think of you. I dont know what to say now, I cant save a word for myself. but I've CHANGED. I have really changed although I still have some feelings. now I am trying to redeem myself, but I can't because what's done is already done. I regretted it, living my regret to the fullest. some thought of a movie again, like last time, I can't live it anymore, never again, because as I said, what's done is done. everytime I tried to think of the movie, that very thoughtful memory, it hurts alot to even think about it. today was some chance of seeing you, but I have to live it and avoid you, because everything we had didn't really happen at all.

it hurts just to say the last sentence.

2008-10-08T21:47:00.002+08:00

I feel strange, today when posting, so that I wouldnt offend her.

HER.
I mean YOU.

I have, nothing much to say, after my breakdown in front of you. after what Ive said, after what Ive heard. after my sore eyes and filed down toes.

my smashed up phone, my hair and my hairband. random objects but providers of a glimpse of a time.

should I remove it as a bad memory, or keep it and bottle it up?

again.

2008-10-04T20:17:00.004+08:00

++++++++ said:
ah,
++++++++ said:
Im going to give another surprise tmrw, on the piano.
_________ said:
haha
_________ said:
kays. (:
_________ said:
no
++++++++ said:
no?
_________ said:
it should be
_________ said:
:DDD
++++++++ said:
oh:)
_________ said:
@_@
++++++++ said:
you want a clue?
_________ said:
haha
_________ said:
erm
_________ said:
no!
_________ said:
no spoilers!
_________ said:
:D
++++++++ said:
just one?
_________ said:
no!
_________ said:
(((:
++++++++ said:
a very dificult one that you wont understand.
_________ said:
.. ..
_________ said:
ok
_________ said:
JUST ONE.
++++++++ said:
I bought a substitute book!
++++++++ said:
that's it.
_________ said:
err
_________ said:
ok....
_________ said:
haha
_________ said:
i still don't really get it
_________ said:
but never mind;
_________ said:
i know i'll understand it tomorrow.
_________ said:
(:
++++++++ said:
okay.
++++++++ said:
done?
_________ said:
yup.
++++++++ said:
woohoo!

-names have been changed to respect identities.-
and then I wanted to give you the surprise, which after, pestering you, finally managed to succumb.
and you had a big smile after that,
after we left the ebony seat. and I knew, my job was done, your satisfaction guaranteed. but its only now, a faded memory. its just a memory that can be easily blown away, something that can easily slip away from my mind.
it hurts, can you realize that?
it really pains, no matter how deep the blade is, how fresh the blood shed.
it burns.
and when you told me that you were going to let go, I was so angry. I tried to fight back the tears which I wanted so BADLY to shed, but unfortunately they cant. I have no idea why.
you were the one that gave me the bag of candy.
you were the one, that spurred my passion to play the piano again, which has extinguished long ago but is now reignited, because of you.
and you were the one that tried so bad to walk me off that path, even succumbing to blowing me away, with your long WOOOOOs.
and now, everything's gone.
just like one of my closest friends, Im going to miss you, just like she misses someone as well. all the same, I must have been crazy to post a painful MSN conversation with you. but it reminds me that the dripping liquid flowing, was for a REASON.
________________________________________________

floating piece of THOUGHT.

2008-10-04T11:45:00.004+08:00

another random thought.
ROBOTS, the movie is very FUNNY. you should watch it, provided you are ready to fall off your chair. okay, not THAT extreme.
this is one of my favourite parts of the movie, and personallt the funniest scene of all (other than the last part where Piper does some sort of Moonwalk with someone..but who, I forgotten. anyway, here's the video. its when Rodney and his fellow robots are in the Chop Shop and they have to save Bigweld from being melted into metal for upgrades. which in the end they did, lah huh. this is Fender's scene.

HA.

floating piece of land;

2008-10-03T16:04:00.004+08:00

got only one thing to say.
YIPPEE. because exams are OVER. ah I cant believe Maths paper was not hard at all! I mean if you had studied and put some brains into it. and critical thinking and most importantly, GUTS and your HEART.

well, then, now its time to focus on other upcoming stuff.
I think, well, firstly, I kind of screamed at someone, via sms. but it helps me get that sense of satisfaction, aargh, because the facts are so obvious and you dont even realize it, everyday I have to pester you about all those basic things. Its pretty irritating, if you view it from my viewpoint. Its so irritating, that I jut realized why should I be talking to you in the first place, when you gave such curt replies which you were supposed to know, one way or another, whether its via other friends, or me telling you directly, or inferring. (just because History is over doesnt mean you have to forget EVERYTHING about it.) Im willing to apologize, but you MUST do it FIRST, cant you realize it, aargh?

the facts are very obvious.

moving on, ah, everybody likes my aunt's choco chips (: because by the time I went back home, there were only 5 left. maximum...think...everybody, took, 2? except for special cases like THERESA, for example. and the 2 darn plain cushions I have at home, Im thinking, maybe Ill give one as a birthday present, for one of my used to be close friends.

credits to refuted@livejournal.com, once more, for the beautiful and the recently changed icons which as you can see under my profile and posts. but I still like the cartoon picture of The Titans I posted a few days ago.
I like paint,
I like lollipops,
I like my dear friend penknife,
I love my dear friends,
I like the white cushions,
I like laughter,
I like A Series Of Unfortunate Events.

should I continue? neh, maybe some other time.

"Eh, are you okay?:/"

I wish I could tell you how much blood was pouring out from the wound, but I didnt want to show you because I know you will faint for the amount of blood that came out. that means the blade went in DEEP.

feather of thought which was captured.

2008-10-01T17:38:00.006+08:00

another time where I decided to talk about more stuff Ive been thinking over the first few days.

firstly, SELAMAT HARI RAYA TO ALL THE MUSLIMS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. right after takbir and azan yesterday, fazillah sent me a Hari Raya sms, so then I followed, think I sent to about 20 people or smth? and next thing I know, the next 1 hour was dedicated to replying smses, or sending Hari Raya messages. isnt it good when we have lots of connections?

you know about that bag of candy I mentioned a few months ago on one of my posts? well, this time I got one for myself. and I dont know why, ever since we've been, say, separated, the dinosaurs always, and will forever be SOUR. because as I open up the bag, I see all the dinos, I see memories swirling to me. I see reminiscence of everything we had, all the good and bad memories. so every dinosaur I ate is a complete torture. because everytime I ate one, it reminds me of you. as I had said, for the umpteenth time, I have constantly tried to erase you off my mind, but unknowingly I just gave up in the end because it was SUPER DIFFICULT.

exams, was well, fine I guess. I only want to say that Science was tough. I dont want to say another word of it, until I get my results back.

on monday, which coincedentally was Lit and Science exam, (duh), I had to stay back and do Listening Compre, a.k.a. Kefahaman Mendengar. so I did, bla bla bla-ed my way through. had to go home alone. not exactly alone lah. on the way caught up with amirah, and she told me a few things. it was kinda random, but it sure was a shocker. whoa. she doesnt know that that was the reaction I got, but then again, because I already said it was a shocker, so like duh she already knows. I think it sums up everything. and without realizing it, I told her a big secret about me which I dont think she knows that its a secret. ah ya WHATEVER so lets continue. I completely agree with what she said.that sometimes we know too much, that we dont know much at all.

tuesday, bah.

today, oh, my grandma's house was completely PACKED such that we had to move to my uncle's house next door. oh I love pineapple tarts and murukku and buttercake and green agar-agar and caramel cornflakes and small colourful cakes and...(think that sums up everything that I ate today-including lunch.)

tomorrow I got the WHOLE ENTIRE DAY FOR MYSELF. by right its for MUGGING for MATHS. cant even get the formula for trapezium and parallelogram! then somemore topics tested is Sec1 and Sec2. gosh, I have to revise through subject of a formula, trigo, proportion, ratio of similar volumes and areas, and a whole dollop of other topics that Im suppose to do.
well, guess I should start now, eh.